Monday, January 20, 2014

Kobe Braynt reveals anti-aging medicine, reverses aging process

Kobe Bryant has successfully reversed his aging, allowing him to play at least another 18 years in the league.

The 35 year old future hall of famer has suffered injuries recently and seemed to finally have succumbed to father time, who has remained undefeated. Just recently the Lakers superstar revealed a new discovery: an anti aging medicine that can reverse his aging.

The medicine was developed in underground facilities in Germany by black elves and their servants who are sentient tree folk.

Bryants body will therefore become 34 next year and the shooting guard will become a Benjamin Button character. Father Time was unavailable for comment but his office left a statement saying that eventually Kobe Bryant will die, even if Father Time will have to drive him over in his Oldsmobile.

Kobe, however, is delighted and reportedly will enter the dunk contest in eight years, once his legs have regained their spring.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Chicago Bulls trade for Andrew Bynum, pulverize his knees into meat for tacos.

The Chicago Bulls have revealed that the orginazation did not trade for Andrew Bynum for cap relief purposes but rather for his bum knees.

The Bulls held a press conference where a spokesperson told the media that they intended to shoot Bynum behind a barn and pulverize his knees into Tacos for Taco fan night, brought to you by Taco Bell. Chicago's astute medical team said that Bynum's knees could not be used for anything else.

Bynum‘s representives could not be reached to comment on the press conference but we all assume that the 7 foot center is scared, running awkwardly in the woods away from farmers with shotguns.

Taco Bell reportedly does not mind as they already use human knees in their Taco meat.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

J.R. Smith goes 8-49. Is revealed to be a malfunctioning robot.

New York Knicks shooting guard J.R. Smith went 8-49 in a loss against the Cleveland Cavaliers on Sunday. The 6 foot 6 swingman shot at every oppurtunity, even when two defenders were draped over him on the half court line with 17 seconds left on the shot clock.

Smith had a staggering 100% usage ratio during his 31 minutes on the court as Mike Woodson frantically texted his owner, James Dolan, for permission to pull the misfiring guard off the floor. His teammates continued to pass him the ball, for some reason, as he lofted a shot up each time he touched the rock.

„If I get the ball I shoot the ball.“ Smith said in a monotone voice during a press conference. He seemed confident in his own reasoning and logic. When a reporter asked him whether he should perhaps pass the ball to a teammate who had a better shooting opportunity the shooting guard simply bellowed, „does not compute“ with his mouth agape and jaw akimbo as smoke rose from his ears and sparks flew out of his nose. A Knicks representative quickly shut the press conference down.

Smith is listed as "Out – Indefinitely. Computing problem."

Friday, January 27, 2012

Dwight Howard demands that teammates change

Orlando Magic center and terrible free-throw shooter Dwight Howard demanded that his teammates change after their loss to the Boston Celtics, their second defeat to that team in 3 days.

"We didn't play the right way and we have to change" Howard said after the game outside of the team bus. "For example, it would be great if Jameer Nelson changed himself into an effective player again." The all-star center demanded a trade during the off-season because he believes he won't be able to win a championship with the current squad of player the Magic possess.

"What I would love is if Jason Richardson somehow metamorphosed into Kobe Bryant, or some sort of super hero who would amazing at basketball." Howard said with a certain crazed glean in his eyes. "It sounds impossible but God can make anything happen."

Howard then immediately scampered across the highway, into the night. He has yet to be seen again.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Local man beats Michael Jordan at HORSE, goes missing

Local man, Thurston Goodman, has gone missing after a bout of HORSE against 6-time NBA champion, addicted gambler and NBA general manager Michael Jordan.

According to several eye witnesses Thurston played the game of his life against the former NBA MVP as he beat Jordan on an outrageous behind-the-back half court shot. Jordan seemed to take the win nonchalantly, although he was seen breaking the side window of his luxury sedan moments later.

Only the baddest of asses can wear earrings.

Thurston, however, has not been seen since that fateful game took place. Jordan was interrogated because of the incident but that turned into Jordan claiming that he had been under appreciated as a basketball player and listing people that had pissed him off in the past 25 years.

Jordan does, however have an alibi for the time of crime. He was beating a child at an ice cream eating contest while talking trash to the child. His enforcer and professional companion Charles Oakley, a.k.a Oak, has no alibi. Oakley was seen disposing of a bloody carpet in the Hudson river 3 hours after the game of HORSE.

No arrests have been made.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

My top 10 albums of 2011

I considered two things before compiling this top 10 list, whether I should write it in English and whether anybody would actually give a shit. Since you're reading this right now the answer to those questions is evident: I wrote it in english so more people might give a shit. I looked at the releases this year along with some other top ten lists and found quality output of music to be quite sparse. Then again, I almost exclusively listen to lo-fi indie music, electro and rap so my tastes aren't particularly wide. And I don't listen to everything that's released, even within the confines of the genres previously mentioned.

There are some comments next to my choices. These comments sort of (d)evolved into a rant about my views on the state of rap music today.

10. Lykke Li – Wounded Rhyme

9. Talib Kweli, ‘Gutter Rainbows’

(There's a killer track on here featuring Sean Price – who doesn't want to put his new album Mic Tyson out because he says rap has gotten soft – called Palookas. The song is essentially some hardcore two-extremely-good-rappers-spitting-rhymes-around rap. I miss those songs. “Shut the fuck up before you get hurt son/ you ain't got a verse better than my worst one”. As Chuck D said, rap has devolved from bragging about how good you are at rapping to bragging about how much cool stuff you have. That's because very few rappers are actually good enough to honestly say they're better than other rappers. Most of the other songs are good as well. Talib even makes a reference to Kurt Vonnegut.)

8. Noah and the Whale - Last Night on Earth

7. Gang Related – Stunts and rituals

6. Beirut - the Rip Tide

5. FM Belfast - I don't want to go to sleep either

4. Metronomy - The English Riviera

3. Thurston Moore - Demolished Thoughts

2. The roots – Undun

(There are two reasons this album is here. Firstly, it's a really good listen. Secondly, the Roots are actually trying to make something important in rap. They're telling a symbolic story – that, yes, is pretentious but it's made by two art school graduates, what can one expect? – that unfolds backwards like memento or something. The Roots are trying something new in a genre that never does anything new anymore. Rap has been consumed by pop or perhaps by itself. There are artists who make good, old school, hardcore rap but none of it is important. These artists seem to either make it big and change or become insane (I'm looking at you DOOM). The problem with rap is that it is intrinsically connected to “selling out”. In some ways, the point of making rap music is to “sell out”. For a select few, however, it's about expression and art. I hope I find more of those select few.)

1. Childish Gambino – Camp

(Gambino is probably the only new school rapper I genuinely like and listen to – probably for the reasons I listed above. I consume Kanye West and Jay-Z. I like some of Lil' Wayne's music – for his inventive rhymes and rhyme schemes – but I detest most of it. Drake I don't want to listen to, I'm completely unwilling to even give him a chance. Mac Miller has nothing interesting to say and he doesn't even say whatever the hell he's saying interestingly. Asher Roth's new stuff is intriguing though. The point is that Gambino is one of those select few I mentioned in the paragraph belonging to The Roots.)

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Mike Bibby will miss up to 3 weeks due to being deceased

New York Knicks point guard Mike Bibby is set to miss up to 3 weeks of action due to a lack of pulse and heartbeat in his body. He has averaged 3.6 points per game while seeing about 19 minutes of action so far this season.

Bibby, who has been playing with the ailment for the whole season, was picked up by coach Mike D'antoni on the side of the New Jersey turnpike after being tossed out from the Miami Heat team bus after the NBA finals.

Bibby's condition is, for now, being referred to as "roadkill." But Knicks fans are surely anxious to avoid seeing the 33 year old guard decomposing on the Madison Square Garden floor.

"He really stunk up the locker room." Forward Amare Stoudamire commented. "I think I found his finger in the shower once. It was disgusting."