Dwight Howard demands that teammates change

Orlando Magic center and terrible free-throw shooter Dwight Howard demanded that his teammates change after their loss to the Boston Celtics, their second defeat to that team in 3 days.

"We didn't play the right way and we have to change" Howard said after the game outside of the team bus. "For example, it would be great if Jameer Nelson changed himself into an effective player again." The all-star center demanded a trade during the off-season because he believes he won't be able to win a championship with the current squad of player the Magic possess.


"What I would love is if Jason Richardson somehow metamorphosed into Kobe Bryant, or some sort of super hero who would amazing at basketball." Howard said with a certain crazed glean in his eyes. "It sounds impossible but God can make anything happen."

Howard then immediately scampered across the highway, into the night. He has yet to be seen again.

Local man beats Michael Jordan at HORSE, goes missing

Local man, Thurston Goodman, has gone missing after a bout of HORSE against 6-time NBA champion, addicted gambler and NBA general manager Michael Jordan.

According to several eye witnesses Thurston played the game of his life against the former NBA MVP as he beat Jordan on an outrageous behind-the-back half court shot. Jordan seemed to take the win nonchalantly, although he was seen breaking the side window of his luxury sedan moments later.

Only the baddest of asses can wear earrings.

Thurston, however, has not been seen since that fateful game took place. Jordan was interrogated because of the incident but that turned into Jordan claiming that he had been under appreciated as a basketball player and listing people that had pissed him off in the past 25 years.

Jordan does, however have an alibi for the time of crime. He was beating a child at an ice cream eating contest while talking trash to the child. His enforcer and professional companion Charles Oakley, a.k.a Oak, has no alibi. Oakley was seen disposing of a bloody carpet in the Hudson river 3 hours after the game of HORSE.

No arrests have been made.

My top 10 albums of 2011

I considered two things before compiling this top 10 list, whether I should write it in English and whether anybody would actually give a shit. Since you're reading this right now the answer to those questions is evident: I wrote it in english so more people might give a shit. I looked at the releases this year along with some other top ten lists and found quality output of music to be quite sparse. Then again, I almost exclusively listen to lo-fi indie music, electro and rap so my tastes aren't particularly wide. And I don't listen to everything that's released, even within the confines of the genres previously mentioned.

There are some comments next to my choices. These comments sort of (d)evolved into a rant about my views on the state of rap music today.

10. Lykke Li – Wounded Rhyme

9. Talib Kweli, ‘Gutter Rainbows’

(There's a killer track on here featuring Sean Price – who doesn't want to put his new album Mic Tyson out because he says rap has gotten soft – called Palookas. The song is essentially some hardcore two-extremely-good-rappers-spitting-rhymes-around rap. I miss those songs. “Shut the fuck up before you get hurt son/ you ain't got a verse better than my worst one”. As Chuck D said, rap has devolved from bragging about how good you are at rapping to bragging about how much cool stuff you have. That's because very few rappers are actually good enough to honestly say they're better than other rappers. Most of the other songs are good as well. Talib even makes a reference to Kurt Vonnegut.)

8. Noah and the Whale - Last Night on Earth

7. Gang Related – Stunts and rituals

6. Beirut - the Rip Tide

5. FM Belfast - I don't want to go to sleep either

4. Metronomy - The English Riviera

3. Thurston Moore - Demolished Thoughts

2. The roots – Undun

(There are two reasons this album is here. Firstly, it's a really good listen. Secondly, the Roots are actually trying to make something important in rap. They're telling a symbolic story – that, yes, is pretentious but it's made by two art school graduates, what can one expect? – that unfolds backwards like memento or something. The Roots are trying something new in a genre that never does anything new anymore. Rap has been consumed by pop or perhaps by itself. There are artists who make good, old school, hardcore rap but none of it is important. These artists seem to either make it big and change or become insane (I'm looking at you DOOM). The problem with rap is that it is intrinsically connected to “selling out”. In some ways, the point of making rap music is to “sell out”. For a select few, however, it's about expression and art. I hope I find more of those select few.)

1. Childish Gambino – Camp

(Gambino is probably the only new school rapper I genuinely like and listen to – probably for the reasons I listed above. I consume Kanye West and Jay-Z. I like some of Lil' Wayne's music – for his inventive rhymes and rhyme schemes – but I detest most of it. Drake I don't want to listen to, I'm completely unwilling to even give him a chance. Mac Miller has nothing interesting to say and he doesn't even say whatever the hell he's saying interestingly. Asher Roth's new stuff is intriguing though. The point is that Gambino is one of those select few I mentioned in the paragraph belonging to The Roots.)

Mike Bibby will miss up to 3 weeks due to being deceased

New York Knicks point guard Mike Bibby is set to miss up to 3 weeks of action due to a lack of pulse and heartbeat in his body. He has averaged 3.6 points per game while seeing about 19 minutes of action so far this season.

Bibby, who has been playing with the ailment for the whole season, was picked up by coach Mike D'antoni on the side of the New Jersey turnpike after being tossed out from the Miami Heat team bus after the NBA finals.



Bibby's condition is, for now, being referred to as "roadkill." But Knicks fans are surely anxious to avoid seeing the 33 year old guard decomposing on the Madison Square Garden floor.

"He really stunk up the locker room." Forward Amare Stoudamire commented. "I think I found his finger in the shower once. It was disgusting."

Hedo Turkoglu sets record for pizza's eaten in a lockout shortened season

Orlando Magic forward Hedo Turkoglu has set an unofficial record for eating pizzas. The Guinnes Book of World Records has yet to confirm that he has broken the record previously set by Sir Charles Barkley in 1999. Amazingly, Turkoglu has eaten an estimated 39 pizza pies in 13 days.

"It's incredible. I've never seen anything like it," perennial All-Star center Dwight Howard said when asked to comment on his teammate's achievement. "I kind of wish he'd put this much effort into his defense but I guess that's never happening. And, to be fair, I get a sweet fort to play in with my G.I. Joes," the 6 foot 11 man child added.



Turkoglu's locker looks like a fort made out of pizza boxes and the season has just begun. Apparently, the Turkish international eats at least 3 pies a day, switching up the toppings as he goes. "I like pizza, what can you do?" the small forward said as he chowed down on a slice of double pepperoni and chugged a half liter of coke during a pre-game interview. He then belched and wiped his mouth.

Dominos have publicly popped champagne and laughed their heads off in response to Turkoglu's feat.

God begins doling out wrath on Miami Heat.

Dwayne Wade left the pre-season game against the Detroit Pistons with a hamstring injury three minutes in. According to the almighty God, that's the least of the Miami Heat's worries.
"I just did that for practice. Those guys are in for it." The large, white bearded figure said in a phone interview. Apparently he's got all sorts of things planned out for what he calls "the golden idols." "They think they're better than me" he said, "I'll show them, I'll show 'em good." Betting for Chris Bosh getting the plaque went off the table in Vegas earlier today.
"Athletes always thank me after a good performance. They thank me so I won't strike them down." God commented, with a certain Whiskey swagger about him. "They know that if they don't... BOOM. BOOM. Lightning, motherfucker. Where do you think it strikes?" The reporter took a wild guess.
God saw The Decision, the one hour special in which Lebron "took his talents to south beach", and He didn't think much off it. "I was about to just throw some locusts on his ass but I decided it would be much better to end his season in heartbreaking fashion. You know, like all those other times with the Cavaliers." Then the almighty one added ominously: "witness this, Lebron." It was obvious that God had had too many at this point and probably won't remember a whole lot tomorrow. At least that's what those 4, loyal Miami Heat fans hope.

Lebron James loses longest list of names ever assembled.

Word has gone around that Lebron James is so incredibly focused that he wrote down the names of every single person that slighted him this summer. Then he lost the list. The reigning, two-time MVP wanted to remind himself of all the people who lambasted his one-hour special, the decision (which effectively boiled down to a massive kick in the groin to Cleveland and everyone who thought Lebron was not an egotistical narcissist with no perspective of the world), and his decision to go to Miami along with most of his decisions in the off season.



"Lebron just can't find it." Lebron said about himself and his search of the list which looks more like the largest phone book in the world. "Lebron has looked every where but he just can't remember where he left it." The narcissist continued in the third person. "Well, where did you last put it?" Asked Jim Gray, the man who interviewed Lebron for The Decision. "Lebron don't know." Said Lebron as they conducted the most banal interview of all time.
Most of the press present had actually fallen asleep, started playing around on their iphones or slit their wrists when Lebron finally thought of a good place the list might be. "Oh, maybe Lebron put it in his desk drawer?" Jim Gray clapped his hand in bemusement, "wow! We got somewhere. Yay!" He exclaimed euphorically and high-fived Lebron.
No man was left at the press junket. Except for the dead bodies of those who had bravely taken their lives in the most unnecessary event ever created. Save perhaps for The Decision.