Kobe Braynt reveals anti-aging medicine, reverses aging process

Kobe Bryant has successfully reversed his aging, allowing him to play at least another 18 years in the league.

The 35 year old future hall of famer has suffered injuries recently and seemed to finally have succumbed to father time, who has remained undefeated. Just recently the Lakers superstar revealed a new discovery: an anti aging medicine that can reverse his aging.

The medicine was developed in underground facilities in Germany by black elves and their servants who are sentient tree folk.

Bryants body will therefore become 34 next year and the shooting guard will become a Benjamin Button character. Father Time was unavailable for comment but his office left a statement saying that eventually Kobe Bryant will die, even if Father Time will have to drive him over in his Oldsmobile.

Kobe, however, is delighted and reportedly will enter the dunk contest in eight years, once his legs have regained their spring.

Chicago Bulls trade for Andrew Bynum, pulverize his knees into meat for tacos.

The Chicago Bulls have revealed that the orginazation did not trade for Andrew Bynum for cap relief purposes but rather for his bum knees.

The Bulls held a press conference where a spokesperson told the media that they intended to shoot Bynum behind a barn and pulverize his knees into Tacos for Taco fan night, brought to you by Taco Bell. Chicago's astute medical team said that Bynum's knees could not be used for anything else.

Bynum‘s representives could not be reached to comment on the press conference but we all assume that the 7 foot center is scared, running awkwardly in the woods away from farmers with shotguns.

Taco Bell reportedly does not mind as they already use human knees in their Taco meat.

J.R. Smith goes 8-49. Is revealed to be a malfunctioning robot.

 

New York Knicks shooting guard J.R. Smith went 8-49 in a loss against the Cleveland Cavaliers on Sunday. The 6 foot 6 swingman shot at every oppurtunity, even when two defenders were draped over him on the half court line with 17 seconds left on the shot clock.

Smith had a staggering 100% usage ratio during his 31 minutes on the court as Mike Woodson frantically texted his owner, James Dolan, for permission to pull the misfiring guard off the floor. His teammates continued to pass him the ball, for some reason, as he lofted a shot up each time he touched the rock.

„If I get the ball I shoot the ball.“ Smith said in a monotone voice during a press conference. He seemed confident in his own reasoning and logic. When a reporter asked him whether he should perhaps pass the ball to a teammate who had a better shooting opportunity the shooting guard simply bellowed, „does not compute“ with his mouth agape and jaw akimbo as smoke rose from his ears and sparks flew out of his nose. A Knicks representative quickly shut the press conference down.

Smith is listed as "Out – Indefinitely. Computing problem."

Dwight Howard demands that teammates change

Orlando Magic center and terrible free-throw shooter Dwight Howard demanded that his teammates change after their loss to the Boston Celtics, their second defeat to that team in 3 days.

"We didn't play the right way and we have to change" Howard said after the game outside of the team bus. "For example, it would be great if Jameer Nelson changed himself into an effective player again." The all-star center demanded a trade during the off-season because he believes he won't be able to win a championship with the current squad of player the Magic possess.


"What I would love is if Jason Richardson somehow metamorphosed into Kobe Bryant, or some sort of super hero who would amazing at basketball." Howard said with a certain crazed glean in his eyes. "It sounds impossible but God can make anything happen."

Howard then immediately scampered across the highway, into the night. He has yet to be seen again.

Local man beats Michael Jordan at HORSE, goes missing

Local man, Thurston Goodman, has gone missing after a bout of HORSE against 6-time NBA champion, addicted gambler and NBA general manager Michael Jordan.

According to several eye witnesses Thurston played the game of his life against the former NBA MVP as he beat Jordan on an outrageous behind-the-back half court shot. Jordan seemed to take the win nonchalantly, although he was seen breaking the side window of his luxury sedan moments later.

Only the baddest of asses can wear earrings.

Thurston, however, has not been seen since that fateful game took place. Jordan was interrogated because of the incident but that turned into Jordan claiming that he had been under appreciated as a basketball player and listing people that had pissed him off in the past 25 years.

Jordan does, however have an alibi for the time of crime. He was beating a child at an ice cream eating contest while talking trash to the child. His enforcer and professional companion Charles Oakley, a.k.a Oak, has no alibi. Oakley was seen disposing of a bloody carpet in the Hudson river 3 hours after the game of HORSE.

No arrests have been made.

My top 10 albums of 2011

I considered two things before compiling this top 10 list, whether I should write it in English and whether anybody would actually give a shit. Since you're reading this right now the answer to those questions is evident: I wrote it in english so more people might give a shit. I looked at the releases this year along with some other top ten lists and found quality output of music to be quite sparse. Then again, I almost exclusively listen to lo-fi indie music, electro and rap so my tastes aren't particularly wide. And I don't listen to everything that's released, even within the confines of the genres previously mentioned.

There are some comments next to my choices. These comments sort of (d)evolved into a rant about my views on the state of rap music today.

10. Lykke Li – Wounded Rhyme

9. Talib Kweli, ‘Gutter Rainbows’

(There's a killer track on here featuring Sean Price – who doesn't want to put his new album Mic Tyson out because he says rap has gotten soft – called Palookas. The song is essentially some hardcore two-extremely-good-rappers-spitting-rhymes-around rap. I miss those songs. “Shut the fuck up before you get hurt son/ you ain't got a verse better than my worst one”. As Chuck D said, rap has devolved from bragging about how good you are at rapping to bragging about how much cool stuff you have. That's because very few rappers are actually good enough to honestly say they're better than other rappers. Most of the other songs are good as well. Talib even makes a reference to Kurt Vonnegut.)

8. Noah and the Whale - Last Night on Earth

7. Gang Related – Stunts and rituals

6. Beirut - the Rip Tide

5. FM Belfast - I don't want to go to sleep either

4. Metronomy - The English Riviera

3. Thurston Moore - Demolished Thoughts

2. The roots – Undun

(There are two reasons this album is here. Firstly, it's a really good listen. Secondly, the Roots are actually trying to make something important in rap. They're telling a symbolic story – that, yes, is pretentious but it's made by two art school graduates, what can one expect? – that unfolds backwards like memento or something. The Roots are trying something new in a genre that never does anything new anymore. Rap has been consumed by pop or perhaps by itself. There are artists who make good, old school, hardcore rap but none of it is important. These artists seem to either make it big and change or become insane (I'm looking at you DOOM). The problem with rap is that it is intrinsically connected to “selling out”. In some ways, the point of making rap music is to “sell out”. For a select few, however, it's about expression and art. I hope I find more of those select few.)

1. Childish Gambino – Camp

(Gambino is probably the only new school rapper I genuinely like and listen to – probably for the reasons I listed above. I consume Kanye West and Jay-Z. I like some of Lil' Wayne's music – for his inventive rhymes and rhyme schemes – but I detest most of it. Drake I don't want to listen to, I'm completely unwilling to even give him a chance. Mac Miller has nothing interesting to say and he doesn't even say whatever the hell he's saying interestingly. Asher Roth's new stuff is intriguing though. The point is that Gambino is one of those select few I mentioned in the paragraph belonging to The Roots.)

Mike Bibby will miss up to 3 weeks due to being deceased

New York Knicks point guard Mike Bibby is set to miss up to 3 weeks of action due to a lack of pulse and heartbeat in his body. He has averaged 3.6 points per game while seeing about 19 minutes of action so far this season.

Bibby, who has been playing with the ailment for the whole season, was picked up by coach Mike D'antoni on the side of the New Jersey turnpike after being tossed out from the Miami Heat team bus after the NBA finals.



Bibby's condition is, for now, being referred to as "roadkill." But Knicks fans are surely anxious to avoid seeing the 33 year old guard decomposing on the Madison Square Garden floor.

"He really stunk up the locker room." Forward Amare Stoudamire commented. "I think I found his finger in the shower once. It was disgusting."

Hedo Turkoglu sets record for pizza's eaten in a lockout shortened season

Orlando Magic forward Hedo Turkoglu has set an unofficial record for eating pizzas. The Guinnes Book of World Records has yet to confirm that he has broken the record previously set by Sir Charles Barkley in 1999. Amazingly, Turkoglu has eaten an estimated 39 pizza pies in 13 days.

"It's incredible. I've never seen anything like it," perennial All-Star center Dwight Howard said when asked to comment on his teammate's achievement. "I kind of wish he'd put this much effort into his defense but I guess that's never happening. And, to be fair, I get a sweet fort to play in with my G.I. Joes," the 6 foot 11 man child added.



Turkoglu's locker looks like a fort made out of pizza boxes and the season has just begun. Apparently, the Turkish international eats at least 3 pies a day, switching up the toppings as he goes. "I like pizza, what can you do?" the small forward said as he chowed down on a slice of double pepperoni and chugged a half liter of coke during a pre-game interview. He then belched and wiped his mouth.

Dominos have publicly popped champagne and laughed their heads off in response to Turkoglu's feat.

God begins doling out wrath on Miami Heat.

Dwayne Wade left the pre-season game against the Detroit Pistons with a hamstring injury three minutes in. According to the almighty God, that's the least of the Miami Heat's worries.
"I just did that for practice. Those guys are in for it." The large, white bearded figure said in a phone interview. Apparently he's got all sorts of things planned out for what he calls "the golden idols." "They think they're better than me" he said, "I'll show them, I'll show 'em good." Betting for Chris Bosh getting the plaque went off the table in Vegas earlier today.
"Athletes always thank me after a good performance. They thank me so I won't strike them down." God commented, with a certain Whiskey swagger about him. "They know that if they don't... BOOM. BOOM. Lightning, motherfucker. Where do you think it strikes?" The reporter took a wild guess.
God saw The Decision, the one hour special in which Lebron "took his talents to south beach", and He didn't think much off it. "I was about to just throw some locusts on his ass but I decided it would be much better to end his season in heartbreaking fashion. You know, like all those other times with the Cavaliers." Then the almighty one added ominously: "witness this, Lebron." It was obvious that God had had too many at this point and probably won't remember a whole lot tomorrow. At least that's what those 4, loyal Miami Heat fans hope.

Lebron James loses longest list of names ever assembled.

Word has gone around that Lebron James is so incredibly focused that he wrote down the names of every single person that slighted him this summer. Then he lost the list. The reigning, two-time MVP wanted to remind himself of all the people who lambasted his one-hour special, the decision (which effectively boiled down to a massive kick in the groin to Cleveland and everyone who thought Lebron was not an egotistical narcissist with no perspective of the world), and his decision to go to Miami along with most of his decisions in the off season.



"Lebron just can't find it." Lebron said about himself and his search of the list which looks more like the largest phone book in the world. "Lebron has looked every where but he just can't remember where he left it." The narcissist continued in the third person. "Well, where did you last put it?" Asked Jim Gray, the man who interviewed Lebron for The Decision. "Lebron don't know." Said Lebron as they conducted the most banal interview of all time.
Most of the press present had actually fallen asleep, started playing around on their iphones or slit their wrists when Lebron finally thought of a good place the list might be. "Oh, maybe Lebron put it in his desk drawer?" Jim Gray clapped his hand in bemusement, "wow! We got somewhere. Yay!" He exclaimed euphorically and high-fived Lebron.
No man was left at the press junket. Except for the dead bodies of those who had bravely taken their lives in the most unnecessary event ever created. Save perhaps for The Decision.

Liverpool manager attempts to sign hobo with no transfer funds available.

"It's reawy too bad Siw Awex got to that Powtugese homeless lad befowe we did." Roy Hodgson said in a statement to Liverpool's official website.
Hodgson was spotted under a bridge offering contracts to bums, none of which would accept the lowly wages.
Liverpool is in dire financial shape as evil tycoons George Gillett and Tom Hicks refuse to sell the club. Actually that's untrue, RBS is now in control of selling the club. It is simply a much more compelling story line to have the greedy American investors at the heart of selling Liverpool than a British bank who "has the club's best interests at heart."
Hodgson thought he had a taker as No-Shoulder Jack was ready to sign for him. Joey used to be a fighter and played for Cotswald United as a youngster. Sadly, No-Shoulder Jack died of the plague only 2 days ago.
This left Hodgson devistated: "Oh, I couldn't bewive it. He had gweat potential. To be faiw he was 55 yeaws old and had onwy one awm but he weally fought hawd on the pitch."
This is dedicated to No-Shoulder Jack.

New Manchester United signing addicted to Heroin

It has been revealed that former homeless person and new Manchester United player Bébé is addicted to heroin. He also cannot speak English.
Sir Alex Ferguson admitted this on the back end of a 5 day red wine bender that ended with a press conference where he showed up with no pants on, spilled red wine on almost everyone's camera and made the shocking revelation about his newest acquisition.
"Well, I'll tell yer, the bairn's as loony as a gypsy in an ice capade." the Manchester manager told reporters. He continued: "I saw the needle stickin' out his arm, I did. He offered me some, I accepted."

Manchester United were playing as Sir Alex wandered onto the field, giving tactical advice.

Whether or not the manager did try heroin cannot be confirmed as he was hitting on what he thought was woman but was actually a fern. It is thought that he might have been trying to impress the botany. "I like yer saucy looks," he complimented.
Reporters were unable to confirm whether the Portuguese player would be registered into a rehab center as Sir Alex passed out on top of a table before the press conference was over.

Lebron breaks Cleveland baby's neck off, eats its essence.

Lebron James has, as heavily publicized, broken Cleveland's metaphorical heart. Now he seeks to become more of a super villain and all around demented lunatic. James was seen in downtown Cleveland snatching an infant from its mother and breaking its neck in order to "eat its essence."
It has become clear that James is a psychotic madman who must be stopped at all cost. He does not realize the effects of his actions at all as he asked the baby's mom, now holding a carcass, weeping openly and crying "why, god, why?" if she wanted his autograph. She attempted to hit James but he could not feel anything. He simply scratched his neck beard, put on pretentious sunglasses and walked off. He was later seen eating an ice cream cone before strangling an old woman.

Update: Stephen A. Smith now reports that James is actually doing these things to see whether he can feel pain or any sense of right and wrong. Because of constant pampering and constant attention from the age of 7 James has grown into a monster that can't feel pain, physical or mental. So now he roams from city to city in order to find someone who can make him feel things. When asked to comment random stranger said: "that sounds like an episode of Charmed."
It probably is, random stranger, it probably is.

Bryant: KG wasn't gone, but he's back now (Reporters argue amongst themselves)

Kobe Bryant emphatically stated after game 3 of the NBA finals that Kevin Garnett wasn't gone, but that he had come back. This perplexed reporters immensely.
There have been musings on Garnett's physical state over the course of the playoffs. He's gone from playing terrifically in one series (against the Cavs) to playing like a dead ferret in others (the Magic series and first 2 games of the Finals). What Kobe proposes does not make any sense. For a person to come back they need to have gone somewhere. So if a person has physically left from home to, say, the Caribbean they can come back home. But if they don't go anywhere how can they come home?
One reporter hypothesized that this was a philosophical question. That KG had not left physically but perhaps his mind had wandered. Another, more down to earth and less "full of shit" reporter proposed that it was exactly the opposite. That Garnett was of sound mind but his body was not present. The first reporter then pulled the "we're arguing semantics here" card and the second reporter was caught off guard so he didn't say anything. Now he knows they weren't arguing semantics. The first reporter was just being dick.

P.S. Fuck you Steve.

Odom admits he had "lucky" game. Did not know what was happening.

"I just did random things and the ball either came right to me or went in the basket. It has nothing to do with years of training or the fact that I'm a professional basketball player." Lamar Odom admitted in a recent interview after a light shoot around.
After Tuesday's game 1 between the Lakers and Suns where Lamar Odom had 19 points and 19 rebounds, Pheonix forward Amare Stoudamire accused Odom of having a "lucky game." Now the Lakers 6th man has admitted as much.
"Oh yeah, I had no idea what was happening. I ate so much candy before, during, at halftime and after the game I was basically in a mental coma." Odom has previously been revealed to eat copious amounts of candy, nearing a hazardous level.
"I think he spoke Arabic at one point." Lakers reserve point guard Jordan Farmar commented.
Odom's stomach had to pumped after the game. The contents of his stomach were revealed to have fed a small island nation.
When asked whether he would give up eating candy before games Odom said: "give up eating what now?" as he shoved a whole bag of red licorice in his mouth. His pupils proceeded to widen and he staggered off muttering inaudible discourse.

Dwight Howard for Pau Gasol? Things that would (probably) happen.

This is a what if that does not and will never actually be on the cards for anybody at any time. It's simply an interesting idea. What is this crazy idea? you ask. What if you traded Pau Gasol for Dwight Howard?

You'd get a whole bunch of this shit (why you'd get this shit... I'm not sure)

First of all I don't either team wants this, both players are equally important for their respective teams but for very different reasons. Gasol allows the Lakers to run the triangle offense as effectively as any player in the league short of Tim Duncan and Chris Bosh. He's one of the best back to the basket post up players in the league (I think I'd really only put him behind Zach Randolph at this point and as far as accuracy goes he might be the best in the league) and he can knock down a midrange jumper like nobody's business. He is however not a real center, even if he's legitimate a 7-footer (something Howard is not) and unless he's playing Carlos Boozer he's not a great shot blocker. This is why the Lakers would be very intrigued by the prospect of Howard.

Howard is the best defensive player in the league. He's one of the few real centers left and he's been proven as a great chemistry guy and team mate, there are questions of his killer instinct but there are similar questions about Gasol. Howard is not a good post-up player. He has one move and it's not very good. He tends to bowl other players over and try a very odd hook shot which will kill a team one day and kill his own team the next, so much so they'll just stop going to him. I'd say he doesn't really demand a double team unless there's no center on the opposing team.

So who says no first? I think the Magic say no first. This is because they would have no interest in pairing up two of the "softest" power forwards in the league up. A front court of Rashard Lewis and Gasol would not intimidate anybody except high schoolers. They would however score on basically anybody they'd play against, it's intriguing but not really.

The Lakers think about it. They then come to the conclusion that they already have Andrew Bynum (while forgetting that he's always injured when it comes to the playoffs) and that they couldn't do a whole lot with Howard at the offensive end. They are intrigued by a possible defensive lineup of the Artist Formerly Known as Derek Fisher, Kobe Bryant, Ron Artest, Dwight Howard and Andrew Bynum. Yikes. Who wants to go up against that? Nobody is who. In this scenario the Lakers rely heavily on candy man Lamar Odom who shows up every other game because he's basically diabetic at this point. This is not cool.

So to sum up: neither team really wants this as the players are vastly different and because of this they serve an critical purpose on their teams respective defensive or offensive schemes, and neither player can compensate for their deficiencies or the others skill set. Basically if they played on the same team you'd have the best front court in the league. They would be perfect for each other, a ying and a motherfucking yang bitches!

(According to the ESPN trade machine the Lakers would win 7 more games and the Magic would lose 7 more games if this trade were to go through).