Lebron breaks Cleveland baby's neck off, eats its essence.

Lebron James has, as heavily publicized, broken Cleveland's metaphorical heart. Now he seeks to become more of a super villain and all around demented lunatic. James was seen in downtown Cleveland snatching an infant from its mother and breaking its neck in order to "eat its essence."
It has become clear that James is a psychotic madman who must be stopped at all cost. He does not realize the effects of his actions at all as he asked the baby's mom, now holding a carcass, weeping openly and crying "why, god, why?" if she wanted his autograph. She attempted to hit James but he could not feel anything. He simply scratched his neck beard, put on pretentious sunglasses and walked off. He was later seen eating an ice cream cone before strangling an old woman.

Update: Stephen A. Smith now reports that James is actually doing these things to see whether he can feel pain or any sense of right and wrong. Because of constant pampering and constant attention from the age of 7 James has grown into a monster that can't feel pain, physical or mental. So now he roams from city to city in order to find someone who can make him feel things. When asked to comment random stranger said: "that sounds like an episode of Charmed."
It probably is, random stranger, it probably is.

Bryant: KG wasn't gone, but he's back now (Reporters argue amongst themselves)

Kobe Bryant emphatically stated after game 3 of the NBA finals that Kevin Garnett wasn't gone, but that he had come back. This perplexed reporters immensely.
There have been musings on Garnett's physical state over the course of the playoffs. He's gone from playing terrifically in one series (against the Cavs) to playing like a dead ferret in others (the Magic series and first 2 games of the Finals). What Kobe proposes does not make any sense. For a person to come back they need to have gone somewhere. So if a person has physically left from home to, say, the Caribbean they can come back home. But if they don't go anywhere how can they come home?
One reporter hypothesized that this was a philosophical question. That KG had not left physically but perhaps his mind had wandered. Another, more down to earth and less "full of shit" reporter proposed that it was exactly the opposite. That Garnett was of sound mind but his body was not present. The first reporter then pulled the "we're arguing semantics here" card and the second reporter was caught off guard so he didn't say anything. Now he knows they weren't arguing semantics. The first reporter was just being dick.

P.S. Fuck you Steve.

Odom admits he had "lucky" game. Did not know what was happening.

"I just did random things and the ball either came right to me or went in the basket. It has nothing to do with years of training or the fact that I'm a professional basketball player." Lamar Odom admitted in a recent interview after a light shoot around.
After Tuesday's game 1 between the Lakers and Suns where Lamar Odom had 19 points and 19 rebounds, Pheonix forward Amare Stoudamire accused Odom of having a "lucky game." Now the Lakers 6th man has admitted as much.
"Oh yeah, I had no idea what was happening. I ate so much candy before, during, at halftime and after the game I was basically in a mental coma." Odom has previously been revealed to eat copious amounts of candy, nearing a hazardous level.
"I think he spoke Arabic at one point." Lakers reserve point guard Jordan Farmar commented.
Odom's stomach had to pumped after the game. The contents of his stomach were revealed to have fed a small island nation.
When asked whether he would give up eating candy before games Odom said: "give up eating what now?" as he shoved a whole bag of red licorice in his mouth. His pupils proceeded to widen and he staggered off muttering inaudible discourse.

Dwight Howard for Pau Gasol? Things that would (probably) happen.

This is a what if that does not and will never actually be on the cards for anybody at any time. It's simply an interesting idea. What is this crazy idea? you ask. What if you traded Pau Gasol for Dwight Howard?

You'd get a whole bunch of this shit (why you'd get this shit... I'm not sure)

First of all I don't either team wants this, both players are equally important for their respective teams but for very different reasons. Gasol allows the Lakers to run the triangle offense as effectively as any player in the league short of Tim Duncan and Chris Bosh. He's one of the best back to the basket post up players in the league (I think I'd really only put him behind Zach Randolph at this point and as far as accuracy goes he might be the best in the league) and he can knock down a midrange jumper like nobody's business. He is however not a real center, even if he's legitimate a 7-footer (something Howard is not) and unless he's playing Carlos Boozer he's not a great shot blocker. This is why the Lakers would be very intrigued by the prospect of Howard.

Howard is the best defensive player in the league. He's one of the few real centers left and he's been proven as a great chemistry guy and team mate, there are questions of his killer instinct but there are similar questions about Gasol. Howard is not a good post-up player. He has one move and it's not very good. He tends to bowl other players over and try a very odd hook shot which will kill a team one day and kill his own team the next, so much so they'll just stop going to him. I'd say he doesn't really demand a double team unless there's no center on the opposing team.

So who says no first? I think the Magic say no first. This is because they would have no interest in pairing up two of the "softest" power forwards in the league up. A front court of Rashard Lewis and Gasol would not intimidate anybody except high schoolers. They would however score on basically anybody they'd play against, it's intriguing but not really.

The Lakers think about it. They then come to the conclusion that they already have Andrew Bynum (while forgetting that he's always injured when it comes to the playoffs) and that they couldn't do a whole lot with Howard at the offensive end. They are intrigued by a possible defensive lineup of the Artist Formerly Known as Derek Fisher, Kobe Bryant, Ron Artest, Dwight Howard and Andrew Bynum. Yikes. Who wants to go up against that? Nobody is who. In this scenario the Lakers rely heavily on candy man Lamar Odom who shows up every other game because he's basically diabetic at this point. This is not cool.

So to sum up: neither team really wants this as the players are vastly different and because of this they serve an critical purpose on their teams respective defensive or offensive schemes, and neither player can compensate for their deficiencies or the others skill set. Basically if they played on the same team you'd have the best front court in the league. They would be perfect for each other, a ying and a motherfucking yang bitches!

(According to the ESPN trade machine the Lakers would win 7 more games and the Magic would lose 7 more games if this trade were to go through).

Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom gain custody of Carlos Boozer

"Whah!"

The Lakers' two power forwards have, for the past two years, been in the process of adopting young Utah resident Carlos Boozer. The paperwork finally came through yesterday and now they officially own Boozer.
"I mean, we've pretty much owned him for a long time now. This was just about making it official." A gleeful Lamar Odom said as he cradled young Boozer in his arms. This was important for the duo because now the whole world knows that he is their property and nobody else's. "It has been common knowledge that he is ours. But the fact that we can no take him out to the park and take him to school in our neighborhood is very important." Gasol said when approached after the Lakers' won their last game against the Utah Jazz. "He's just so small and cute, you just want to play with him all day," the Spanish 7-footer added.
Lamar Odom is newly married to Khloe Kardashian, a woman famous for her last name and nothing that she's done in her life. She is apparently supportive and feels that this is something that's been going on before she met Lamar and she understands what's going on (but not really, actually she's pissed).

Dreams of Sugar Eating.

Dreams are something. They provide a stream of non-challenged thoughts. That's my take on dreams (especially the "dreams are something" parts, that's the sort of analysis I'm shocked I don't get paid for). Last night I dreamed the classic "a part of my tooth broke of" thing and the slightly less classic "a fat girl eats a bowl of sugar at a party" bit. The latter thing was extremely odd, even during the dream. Especially since she placed the bowl of sugar on a radiator ledge (there was a piece of wood on top of a radiator making a makeshift shelf). Why would anybody do that? Why would I think of this at any point? Has anybody had a similar dream? I don't know, I don't know and probably would be my hypothetical answers to those rhetorical questions.

There is a connection between these two dreams (they were separate but I had them the same night). Sugar makes your teeth rot.

There are those who believe that dreams are some sort of mirror of the soul. However impossible it is to a) define dreams and b) define "soul." Unless they mean that dreams are a mirror of soul music for some reason, that might make more sense than the literal translation of the cliched phrase - mirror of the soul. Curtis Mayfield might agree. If dreams are said mirror then my soul is apparently very concerned with my dental hygiene and wishes more fat chicks would eat bowls of sugar on radiator shelves. Let's be honest, who doesn't?

Dormant Lakers Rise From Acid Induced Slumber

Phil Jackson's memory of this photo shoot is spotty at best

"What, we were playing?" A slightly dazed Pau Gasol said to journalists as he rubbed his eyes, "how did we do? I hope we're not down in the series." This was before game 5 of the Lakers' first round series with Oklahoma City. The Lakers won Game 5 by 24 points.
Phil Jackson coached the game in his pajamas, he explained the reasons for the Lakers less than impressive first four games. "We did some non-prescription medication at my behest. It may have had an effect on our sleeping patterns. But we did win the first 2 games so that's a plus." When he was informed that Derek Fisher had been guarding upstart point guard Russell Westbrook throughout the series he shook his head and laughed, "Fisher couldn't guard me at this point, let alone someone as explosive as Westbrook. Man, that was some solid acid we did."
"I dreamt of flying fish and someone inhaling paint." Backup point guard Jordan Farmar said of his coma.
Kobe Bryant was the only player not to consume the acid prescribed by coach Jackson, this explains his sour mood these past days. "I fucking missed it man. Nobody called me. You guys suck!" He pointed at team mates Andrew Bynum and Lamar Odom before kicking a stool over and storming out of the conference room. Odom stood and yelled, "you never answer your phone anyway," he then looked at Bynum and gave him a low key five.