Lebron James loses longest list of names ever assembled.

Word has gone around that Lebron James is so incredibly focused that he wrote down the names of every single person that slighted him this summer. Then he lost the list. The reigning, two-time MVP wanted to remind himself of all the people who lambasted his one-hour special, the decision (which effectively boiled down to a massive kick in the groin to Cleveland and everyone who thought Lebron was not an egotistical narcissist with no perspective of the world), and his decision to go to Miami along with most of his decisions in the off season.



"Lebron just can't find it." Lebron said about himself and his search of the list which looks more like the largest phone book in the world. "Lebron has looked every where but he just can't remember where he left it." The narcissist continued in the third person. "Well, where did you last put it?" Asked Jim Gray, the man who interviewed Lebron for The Decision. "Lebron don't know." Said Lebron as they conducted the most banal interview of all time.
Most of the press present had actually fallen asleep, started playing around on their iphones or slit their wrists when Lebron finally thought of a good place the list might be. "Oh, maybe Lebron put it in his desk drawer?" Jim Gray clapped his hand in bemusement, "wow! We got somewhere. Yay!" He exclaimed euphorically and high-fived Lebron.
No man was left at the press junket. Except for the dead bodies of those who had bravely taken their lives in the most unnecessary event ever created. Save perhaps for The Decision.

Liverpool manager attempts to sign hobo with no transfer funds available.

"It's reawy too bad Siw Awex got to that Powtugese homeless lad befowe we did." Roy Hodgson said in a statement to Liverpool's official website.
Hodgson was spotted under a bridge offering contracts to bums, none of which would accept the lowly wages.
Liverpool is in dire financial shape as evil tycoons George Gillett and Tom Hicks refuse to sell the club. Actually that's untrue, RBS is now in control of selling the club. It is simply a much more compelling story line to have the greedy American investors at the heart of selling Liverpool than a British bank who "has the club's best interests at heart."
Hodgson thought he had a taker as No-Shoulder Jack was ready to sign for him. Joey used to be a fighter and played for Cotswald United as a youngster. Sadly, No-Shoulder Jack died of the plague only 2 days ago.
This left Hodgson devistated: "Oh, I couldn't bewive it. He had gweat potential. To be faiw he was 55 yeaws old and had onwy one awm but he weally fought hawd on the pitch."
This is dedicated to No-Shoulder Jack.

New Manchester United signing addicted to Heroin

It has been revealed that former homeless person and new Manchester United player Bébé is addicted to heroin. He also cannot speak English.
Sir Alex Ferguson admitted this on the back end of a 5 day red wine bender that ended with a press conference where he showed up with no pants on, spilled red wine on almost everyone's camera and made the shocking revelation about his newest acquisition.
"Well, I'll tell yer, the bairn's as loony as a gypsy in an ice capade." the Manchester manager told reporters. He continued: "I saw the needle stickin' out his arm, I did. He offered me some, I accepted."

Manchester United were playing as Sir Alex wandered onto the field, giving tactical advice.

Whether or not the manager did try heroin cannot be confirmed as he was hitting on what he thought was woman but was actually a fern. It is thought that he might have been trying to impress the botany. "I like yer saucy looks," he complimented.
Reporters were unable to confirm whether the Portuguese player would be registered into a rehab center as Sir Alex passed out on top of a table before the press conference was over.

Lebron breaks Cleveland baby's neck off, eats its essence.

Lebron James has, as heavily publicized, broken Cleveland's metaphorical heart. Now he seeks to become more of a super villain and all around demented lunatic. James was seen in downtown Cleveland snatching an infant from its mother and breaking its neck in order to "eat its essence."
It has become clear that James is a psychotic madman who must be stopped at all cost. He does not realize the effects of his actions at all as he asked the baby's mom, now holding a carcass, weeping openly and crying "why, god, why?" if she wanted his autograph. She attempted to hit James but he could not feel anything. He simply scratched his neck beard, put on pretentious sunglasses and walked off. He was later seen eating an ice cream cone before strangling an old woman.

Update: Stephen A. Smith now reports that James is actually doing these things to see whether he can feel pain or any sense of right and wrong. Because of constant pampering and constant attention from the age of 7 James has grown into a monster that can't feel pain, physical or mental. So now he roams from city to city in order to find someone who can make him feel things. When asked to comment random stranger said: "that sounds like an episode of Charmed."
It probably is, random stranger, it probably is.

Bryant: KG wasn't gone, but he's back now (Reporters argue amongst themselves)

Kobe Bryant emphatically stated after game 3 of the NBA finals that Kevin Garnett wasn't gone, but that he had come back. This perplexed reporters immensely.
There have been musings on Garnett's physical state over the course of the playoffs. He's gone from playing terrifically in one series (against the Cavs) to playing like a dead ferret in others (the Magic series and first 2 games of the Finals). What Kobe proposes does not make any sense. For a person to come back they need to have gone somewhere. So if a person has physically left from home to, say, the Caribbean they can come back home. But if they don't go anywhere how can they come home?
One reporter hypothesized that this was a philosophical question. That KG had not left physically but perhaps his mind had wandered. Another, more down to earth and less "full of shit" reporter proposed that it was exactly the opposite. That Garnett was of sound mind but his body was not present. The first reporter then pulled the "we're arguing semantics here" card and the second reporter was caught off guard so he didn't say anything. Now he knows they weren't arguing semantics. The first reporter was just being dick.

P.S. Fuck you Steve.

Odom admits he had "lucky" game. Did not know what was happening.

"I just did random things and the ball either came right to me or went in the basket. It has nothing to do with years of training or the fact that I'm a professional basketball player." Lamar Odom admitted in a recent interview after a light shoot around.
After Tuesday's game 1 between the Lakers and Suns where Lamar Odom had 19 points and 19 rebounds, Pheonix forward Amare Stoudamire accused Odom of having a "lucky game." Now the Lakers 6th man has admitted as much.
"Oh yeah, I had no idea what was happening. I ate so much candy before, during, at halftime and after the game I was basically in a mental coma." Odom has previously been revealed to eat copious amounts of candy, nearing a hazardous level.
"I think he spoke Arabic at one point." Lakers reserve point guard Jordan Farmar commented.
Odom's stomach had to pumped after the game. The contents of his stomach were revealed to have fed a small island nation.
When asked whether he would give up eating candy before games Odom said: "give up eating what now?" as he shoved a whole bag of red licorice in his mouth. His pupils proceeded to widen and he staggered off muttering inaudible discourse.

Dwight Howard for Pau Gasol? Things that would (probably) happen.

This is a what if that does not and will never actually be on the cards for anybody at any time. It's simply an interesting idea. What is this crazy idea? you ask. What if you traded Pau Gasol for Dwight Howard?

You'd get a whole bunch of this shit (why you'd get this shit... I'm not sure)

First of all I don't either team wants this, both players are equally important for their respective teams but for very different reasons. Gasol allows the Lakers to run the triangle offense as effectively as any player in the league short of Tim Duncan and Chris Bosh. He's one of the best back to the basket post up players in the league (I think I'd really only put him behind Zach Randolph at this point and as far as accuracy goes he might be the best in the league) and he can knock down a midrange jumper like nobody's business. He is however not a real center, even if he's legitimate a 7-footer (something Howard is not) and unless he's playing Carlos Boozer he's not a great shot blocker. This is why the Lakers would be very intrigued by the prospect of Howard.

Howard is the best defensive player in the league. He's one of the few real centers left and he's been proven as a great chemistry guy and team mate, there are questions of his killer instinct but there are similar questions about Gasol. Howard is not a good post-up player. He has one move and it's not very good. He tends to bowl other players over and try a very odd hook shot which will kill a team one day and kill his own team the next, so much so they'll just stop going to him. I'd say he doesn't really demand a double team unless there's no center on the opposing team.

So who says no first? I think the Magic say no first. This is because they would have no interest in pairing up two of the "softest" power forwards in the league up. A front court of Rashard Lewis and Gasol would not intimidate anybody except high schoolers. They would however score on basically anybody they'd play against, it's intriguing but not really.

The Lakers think about it. They then come to the conclusion that they already have Andrew Bynum (while forgetting that he's always injured when it comes to the playoffs) and that they couldn't do a whole lot with Howard at the offensive end. They are intrigued by a possible defensive lineup of the Artist Formerly Known as Derek Fisher, Kobe Bryant, Ron Artest, Dwight Howard and Andrew Bynum. Yikes. Who wants to go up against that? Nobody is who. In this scenario the Lakers rely heavily on candy man Lamar Odom who shows up every other game because he's basically diabetic at this point. This is not cool.

So to sum up: neither team really wants this as the players are vastly different and because of this they serve an critical purpose on their teams respective defensive or offensive schemes, and neither player can compensate for their deficiencies or the others skill set. Basically if they played on the same team you'd have the best front court in the league. They would be perfect for each other, a ying and a motherfucking yang bitches!

(According to the ESPN trade machine the Lakers would win 7 more games and the Magic would lose 7 more games if this trade were to go through).