Hedo Turkoglu sets record for pizza's eaten in a lockout shortened season

Orlando Magic forward Hedo Turkoglu has set an unofficial record for eating pizzas. The Guinnes Book of World Records has yet to confirm that he has broken the record previously set by Sir Charles Barkley in 1999. Amazingly, Turkoglu has eaten an estimated 39 pizza pies in 13 days.

"It's incredible. I've never seen anything like it," perennial All-Star center Dwight Howard said when asked to comment on his teammate's achievement. "I kind of wish he'd put this much effort into his defense but I guess that's never happening. And, to be fair, I get a sweet fort to play in with my G.I. Joes," the 6 foot 11 man child added.



Turkoglu's locker looks like a fort made out of pizza boxes and the season has just begun. Apparently, the Turkish international eats at least 3 pies a day, switching up the toppings as he goes. "I like pizza, what can you do?" the small forward said as he chowed down on a slice of double pepperoni and chugged a half liter of coke during a pre-game interview. He then belched and wiped his mouth.

Dominos have publicly popped champagne and laughed their heads off in response to Turkoglu's feat.

God begins doling out wrath on Miami Heat.

Dwayne Wade left the pre-season game against the Detroit Pistons with a hamstring injury three minutes in. According to the almighty God, that's the least of the Miami Heat's worries.
"I just did that for practice. Those guys are in for it." The large, white bearded figure said in a phone interview. Apparently he's got all sorts of things planned out for what he calls "the golden idols." "They think they're better than me" he said, "I'll show them, I'll show 'em good." Betting for Chris Bosh getting the plaque went off the table in Vegas earlier today.
"Athletes always thank me after a good performance. They thank me so I won't strike them down." God commented, with a certain Whiskey swagger about him. "They know that if they don't... BOOM. BOOM. Lightning, motherfucker. Where do you think it strikes?" The reporter took a wild guess.
God saw The Decision, the one hour special in which Lebron "took his talents to south beach", and He didn't think much off it. "I was about to just throw some locusts on his ass but I decided it would be much better to end his season in heartbreaking fashion. You know, like all those other times with the Cavaliers." Then the almighty one added ominously: "witness this, Lebron." It was obvious that God had had too many at this point and probably won't remember a whole lot tomorrow. At least that's what those 4, loyal Miami Heat fans hope.

Lebron James loses longest list of names ever assembled.

Word has gone around that Lebron James is so incredibly focused that he wrote down the names of every single person that slighted him this summer. Then he lost the list. The reigning, two-time MVP wanted to remind himself of all the people who lambasted his one-hour special, the decision (which effectively boiled down to a massive kick in the groin to Cleveland and everyone who thought Lebron was not an egotistical narcissist with no perspective of the world), and his decision to go to Miami along with most of his decisions in the off season.



"Lebron just can't find it." Lebron said about himself and his search of the list which looks more like the largest phone book in the world. "Lebron has looked every where but he just can't remember where he left it." The narcissist continued in the third person. "Well, where did you last put it?" Asked Jim Gray, the man who interviewed Lebron for The Decision. "Lebron don't know." Said Lebron as they conducted the most banal interview of all time.
Most of the press present had actually fallen asleep, started playing around on their iphones or slit their wrists when Lebron finally thought of a good place the list might be. "Oh, maybe Lebron put it in his desk drawer?" Jim Gray clapped his hand in bemusement, "wow! We got somewhere. Yay!" He exclaimed euphorically and high-fived Lebron.
No man was left at the press junket. Except for the dead bodies of those who had bravely taken their lives in the most unnecessary event ever created. Save perhaps for The Decision.

Liverpool manager attempts to sign hobo with no transfer funds available.

"It's reawy too bad Siw Awex got to that Powtugese homeless lad befowe we did." Roy Hodgson said in a statement to Liverpool's official website.
Hodgson was spotted under a bridge offering contracts to bums, none of which would accept the lowly wages.
Liverpool is in dire financial shape as evil tycoons George Gillett and Tom Hicks refuse to sell the club. Actually that's untrue, RBS is now in control of selling the club. It is simply a much more compelling story line to have the greedy American investors at the heart of selling Liverpool than a British bank who "has the club's best interests at heart."
Hodgson thought he had a taker as No-Shoulder Jack was ready to sign for him. Joey used to be a fighter and played for Cotswald United as a youngster. Sadly, No-Shoulder Jack died of the plague only 2 days ago.
This left Hodgson devistated: "Oh, I couldn't bewive it. He had gweat potential. To be faiw he was 55 yeaws old and had onwy one awm but he weally fought hawd on the pitch."
This is dedicated to No-Shoulder Jack.

New Manchester United signing addicted to Heroin

It has been revealed that former homeless person and new Manchester United player Bébé is addicted to heroin. He also cannot speak English.
Sir Alex Ferguson admitted this on the back end of a 5 day red wine bender that ended with a press conference where he showed up with no pants on, spilled red wine on almost everyone's camera and made the shocking revelation about his newest acquisition.
"Well, I'll tell yer, the bairn's as loony as a gypsy in an ice capade." the Manchester manager told reporters. He continued: "I saw the needle stickin' out his arm, I did. He offered me some, I accepted."

Manchester United were playing as Sir Alex wandered onto the field, giving tactical advice.

Whether or not the manager did try heroin cannot be confirmed as he was hitting on what he thought was woman but was actually a fern. It is thought that he might have been trying to impress the botany. "I like yer saucy looks," he complimented.
Reporters were unable to confirm whether the Portuguese player would be registered into a rehab center as Sir Alex passed out on top of a table before the press conference was over.

Lebron breaks Cleveland baby's neck off, eats its essence.

Lebron James has, as heavily publicized, broken Cleveland's metaphorical heart. Now he seeks to become more of a super villain and all around demented lunatic. James was seen in downtown Cleveland snatching an infant from its mother and breaking its neck in order to "eat its essence."
It has become clear that James is a psychotic madman who must be stopped at all cost. He does not realize the effects of his actions at all as he asked the baby's mom, now holding a carcass, weeping openly and crying "why, god, why?" if she wanted his autograph. She attempted to hit James but he could not feel anything. He simply scratched his neck beard, put on pretentious sunglasses and walked off. He was later seen eating an ice cream cone before strangling an old woman.

Update: Stephen A. Smith now reports that James is actually doing these things to see whether he can feel pain or any sense of right and wrong. Because of constant pampering and constant attention from the age of 7 James has grown into a monster that can't feel pain, physical or mental. So now he roams from city to city in order to find someone who can make him feel things. When asked to comment random stranger said: "that sounds like an episode of Charmed."
It probably is, random stranger, it probably is.

Bryant: KG wasn't gone, but he's back now (Reporters argue amongst themselves)

Kobe Bryant emphatically stated after game 3 of the NBA finals that Kevin Garnett wasn't gone, but that he had come back. This perplexed reporters immensely.
There have been musings on Garnett's physical state over the course of the playoffs. He's gone from playing terrifically in one series (against the Cavs) to playing like a dead ferret in others (the Magic series and first 2 games of the Finals). What Kobe proposes does not make any sense. For a person to come back they need to have gone somewhere. So if a person has physically left from home to, say, the Caribbean they can come back home. But if they don't go anywhere how can they come home?
One reporter hypothesized that this was a philosophical question. That KG had not left physically but perhaps his mind had wandered. Another, more down to earth and less "full of shit" reporter proposed that it was exactly the opposite. That Garnett was of sound mind but his body was not present. The first reporter then pulled the "we're arguing semantics here" card and the second reporter was caught off guard so he didn't say anything. Now he knows they weren't arguing semantics. The first reporter was just being dick.

P.S. Fuck you Steve.