The Cleveland Cavaliers, under the tutelage of Mike Brown, staged an intervention for their starting center Shaquille O’Neal. These past few weeks O’neal looks to have gained several (hundred) pounds. Apparently a line was crossed when he hid a tuna sub in his underwear and took a bite when guarding Zydrunas Ilgauskas in a pick and roll situation with Boobie Gibson. During the intervention Shaq confessed that the main reason he joined the Cavs was that the fat on the back of Coach Brown’s neck looked mighty delicious. This caused Delonte West to buy another shotgun in a guitar case. “It worked for Antonio Banderas in Desperado,” West commented.
If Shaq can’t lose some weight he’ll probably have to wear a Caveliers overalls instead of the regular uniform. This would surely be the biggest insult Shaq has endured in his esteemed career since Lawrence Funderburke guarded him in the 2003 playoffs. In an unrelated story Funderburke has been voted the “2nd most awesome last name in the World.” It finished slightly behind Thunderfuck.
