Thursday, August 19, 2010

Liverpool manager attempts to sign hobo with no transfer funds available.

"It's reawy too bad Siw Awex got to that Powtugese homeless lad befowe we did." Roy Hodgson said in a statement to Liverpool's official website.
Hodgson was spotted under a bridge offering contracts to bums, none of which would accept the lowly wages.
Liverpool is in dire financial shape as evil tycoons George Gillett and Tom Hicks refuse to sell the club. Actually that's untrue, RBS is now in control of selling the club. It is simply a much more compelling story line to have the greedy American investors at the heart of selling Liverpool than a British bank who "has the club's best interests at heart."
Hodgson thought he had a taker as No-Shoulder Jack was ready to sign for him. Joey used to be a fighter and played for Cotswald United as a youngster. Sadly, No-Shoulder Jack died of the plague only 2 days ago.
This left Hodgson devistated: "Oh, I couldn't bewive it. He had gweat potential. To be faiw he was 55 yeaws old and had onwy one awm but he weally fought hawd on the pitch."
This is dedicated to No-Shoulder Jack.

New Manchester United signing addicted to Heroin

It has been revealed that former homeless person and new Manchester United player Bébé is addicted to heroin. He also cannot speak English.
Sir Alex Ferguson admitted this on the back end of a 5 day red wine bender that ended with a press conference where he showed up with no pants on, spilled red wine on almost everyone's camera and made the shocking revelation about his newest acquisition.
"Well, I'll tell yer, the bairn's as loony as a gypsy in an ice capade." the Manchester manager told reporters. He continued: "I saw the needle stickin' out his arm, I did. He offered me some, I accepted."
Manchester United were playing as Sir Alex wandered onto the field, giving tactical advice.

Whether or not the manager did try heroin cannot be confirmed as he was hitting on what he thought was woman but was actually a fern. It is thought that he might have been trying to impress the botany. "I like yer saucy looks," he complimented.
Reporters were unable to confirm whether the Portuguese player would be registered into a rehab center as Sir Alex passed out on top of a table before the press conference was over.