Tuesday, October 5, 2010

God begins doling out wrath on Miami Heat.

Dwayne Wade left the pre-season game against the Detroit Pistons with a hamstring injury three minutes in. According to the almighty God, that's the least of the Miami Heat's worries.
"I just did that for practice. Those guys are in for it." The large, white bearded figure said in a phone interview. Apparently he's got all sorts of things planned out for what he calls "the golden idols." "They think they're better than me" he said, "I'll show them, I'll show 'em good." Betting for Chris Bosh getting the plaque went off the table in Vegas earlier today.
"Athletes always thank me after a good performance. They thank me so I won't strike them down." God commented, with a certain Whiskey swagger about him. "They know that if they don't... BOOM. BOOM. Lightning, motherfucker. Where do you think it strikes?" The reporter took a wild guess.
God saw The Decision, the one hour special in which Lebron "took his talents to south beach", and He didn't think much off it. "I was about to just throw some locusts on his ass but I decided it would be much better to end his season in heartbreaking fashion. You know, like all those other times with the Cavaliers." Then the almighty one added ominously: "witness this, Lebron." It was obvious that God had had too many at this point and probably won't remember a whole lot tomorrow. At least that's what those 4, loyal Miami Heat fans hope.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Lebron James loses longest list of names ever assembled.

Word has gone around that Lebron James is so incredibly focused that he wrote down the names of every single person that slighted him this summer. Then he lost the list. The reigning, two-time MVP wanted to remind himself of all the people who lambasted his one-hour special, the decision (which effectively boiled down to a massive kick in the groin to Cleveland and everyone who thought Lebron was not an egotistical narcissist with no perspective of the world), and his decision to go to Miami along with most of his decisions in the off season.

"Lebron just can't find it." Lebron said about himself and his search of the list which looks more like the largest phone book in the world. "Lebron has looked every where but he just can't remember where he left it." The narcissist continued in the third person. "Well, where did you last put it?" Asked Jim Gray, the man who interviewed Lebron for The Decision. "Lebron don't know." Said Lebron as they conducted the most banal interview of all time.
Most of the press present had actually fallen asleep, started playing around on their iphones or slit their wrists when Lebron finally thought of a good place the list might be. "Oh, maybe Lebron put it in his desk drawer?" Jim Gray clapped his hand in bemusement, "wow! We got somewhere. Yay!" He exclaimed euphorically and high-fived Lebron.
No man was left at the press junket. Except for the dead bodies of those who had bravely taken their lives in the most unnecessary event ever created. Save perhaps for The Decision.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Liverpool manager attempts to sign hobo with no transfer funds available.

"It's reawy too bad Siw Awex got to that Powtugese homeless lad befowe we did." Roy Hodgson said in a statement to Liverpool's official website.
Hodgson was spotted under a bridge offering contracts to bums, none of which would accept the lowly wages.
Liverpool is in dire financial shape as evil tycoons George Gillett and Tom Hicks refuse to sell the club. Actually that's untrue, RBS is now in control of selling the club. It is simply a much more compelling story line to have the greedy American investors at the heart of selling Liverpool than a British bank who "has the club's best interests at heart."
Hodgson thought he had a taker as No-Shoulder Jack was ready to sign for him. Joey used to be a fighter and played for Cotswald United as a youngster. Sadly, No-Shoulder Jack died of the plague only 2 days ago.
This left Hodgson devistated: "Oh, I couldn't bewive it. He had gweat potential. To be faiw he was 55 yeaws old and had onwy one awm but he weally fought hawd on the pitch."
This is dedicated to No-Shoulder Jack.

New Manchester United signing addicted to Heroin

It has been revealed that former homeless person and new Manchester United player Bébé is addicted to heroin. He also cannot speak English.
Sir Alex Ferguson admitted this on the back end of a 5 day red wine bender that ended with a press conference where he showed up with no pants on, spilled red wine on almost everyone's camera and made the shocking revelation about his newest acquisition.
"Well, I'll tell yer, the bairn's as loony as a gypsy in an ice capade." the Manchester manager told reporters. He continued: "I saw the needle stickin' out his arm, I did. He offered me some, I accepted."
Manchester United were playing as Sir Alex wandered onto the field, giving tactical advice.

Whether or not the manager did try heroin cannot be confirmed as he was hitting on what he thought was woman but was actually a fern. It is thought that he might have been trying to impress the botany. "I like yer saucy looks," he complimented.
Reporters were unable to confirm whether the Portuguese player would be registered into a rehab center as Sir Alex passed out on top of a table before the press conference was over.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Lebron breaks Cleveland baby's neck off, eats its essence.

Lebron James has, as heavily publicized, broken Cleveland's metaphorical heart. Now he seeks to become more of a super villain and all around demented lunatic. James was seen in downtown Cleveland snatching an infant from its mother and breaking its neck in order to "eat its essence."
It has become clear that James is a psychotic madman who must be stopped at all cost. He does not realize the effects of his actions at all as he asked the baby's mom, now holding a carcass, weeping openly and crying "why, god, why?" if she wanted his autograph. She attempted to hit James but he could not feel anything. He simply scratched his neck beard, put on pretentious sunglasses and walked off. He was later seen eating an ice cream cone before strangling an old woman.

Update: Stephen A. Smith now reports that James is actually doing these things to see whether he can feel pain or any sense of right and wrong. Because of constant pampering and constant attention from the age of 7 James has grown into a monster that can't feel pain, physical or mental. So now he roams from city to city in order to find someone who can make him feel things. When asked to comment random stranger said: "that sounds like an episode of Charmed."
It probably is, random stranger, it probably is.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Bryant: KG wasn't gone, but he's back now (Reporters argue amongst themselves)

Kobe Bryant emphatically stated after game 3 of the NBA finals that Kevin Garnett wasn't gone, but that he had come back. This perplexed reporters immensely.
There have been musings on Garnett's physical state over the course of the playoffs. He's gone from playing terrifically in one series (against the Cavs) to playing like a dead ferret in others (the Magic series and first 2 games of the Finals). What Kobe proposes does not make any sense. For a person to come back they need to have gone somewhere. So if a person has physically left from home to, say, the Caribbean they can come back home. But if they don't go anywhere how can they come home?
One reporter hypothesized that this was a philosophical question. That KG had not left physically but perhaps his mind had wandered. Another, more down to earth and less "full of shit" reporter proposed that it was exactly the opposite. That Garnett was of sound mind but his body was not present. The first reporter then pulled the "we're arguing semantics here" card and the second reporter was caught off guard so he didn't say anything. Now he knows they weren't arguing semantics. The first reporter was just being dick.

P.S. Fuck you Steve.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Odom admits he had "lucky" game. Did not know what was happening.

"I just did random things and the ball either came right to me or went in the basket. It has nothing to do with years of training or the fact that I'm a professional basketball player." Lamar Odom admitted in a recent interview after a light shoot around.
After Tuesday's game 1 between the Lakers and Suns where Lamar Odom had 19 points and 19 rebounds, Pheonix forward Amare Stoudamire accused Odom of having a "lucky game." Now the Lakers 6th man has admitted as much.
"Oh yeah, I had no idea what was happening. I ate so much candy before, during, at halftime and after the game I was basically in a mental coma." Odom has previously been revealed to eat copious amounts of candy, nearing a hazardous level.
"I think he spoke Arabic at one point." Lakers reserve point guard Jordan Farmar commented.
Odom's stomach had to pumped after the game. The contents of his stomach were revealed to have fed a small island nation.
When asked whether he would give up eating candy before games Odom said: "give up eating what now?" as he shoved a whole bag of red licorice in his mouth. His pupils proceeded to widen and he staggered off muttering inaudible discourse.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Dwight Howard for Pau Gasol? Things that would (probably) happen.

This is a what if that does not and will never actually be on the cards for anybody at any time. It's simply an interesting idea. What is this crazy idea? you ask. What if you traded Pau Gasol for Dwight Howard?

You'd get a whole bunch of this shit (why you'd get this shit... I'm not sure)

First of all I don't either team wants this, both players are equally important for their respective teams but for very different reasons. Gasol allows the Lakers to run the triangle offense as effectively as any player in the league short of Tim Duncan and Chris Bosh. He's one of the best back to the basket post up players in the league (I think I'd really only put him behind Zach Randolph at this point and as far as accuracy goes he might be the best in the league) and he can knock down a midrange jumper like nobody's business. He is however not a real center, even if he's legitimate a 7-footer (something Howard is not) and unless he's playing Carlos Boozer he's not a great shot blocker. This is why the Lakers would be very intrigued by the prospect of Howard.

Howard is the best defensive player in the league. He's one of the few real centers left and he's been proven as a great chemistry guy and team mate, there are questions of his killer instinct but there are similar questions about Gasol. Howard is not a good post-up player. He has one move and it's not very good. He tends to bowl other players over and try a very odd hook shot which will kill a team one day and kill his own team the next, so much so they'll just stop going to him. I'd say he doesn't really demand a double team unless there's no center on the opposing team.

So who says no first? I think the Magic say no first. This is because they would have no interest in pairing up two of the "softest" power forwards in the league up. A front court of Rashard Lewis and Gasol would not intimidate anybody except high schoolers. They would however score on basically anybody they'd play against, it's intriguing but not really.

The Lakers think about it. They then come to the conclusion that they already have Andrew Bynum (while forgetting that he's always injured when it comes to the playoffs) and that they couldn't do a whole lot with Howard at the offensive end. They are intrigued by a possible defensive lineup of the Artist Formerly Known as Derek Fisher, Kobe Bryant, Ron Artest, Dwight Howard and Andrew Bynum. Yikes. Who wants to go up against that? Nobody is who. In this scenario the Lakers rely heavily on candy man Lamar Odom who shows up every other game because he's basically diabetic at this point. This is not cool.

So to sum up: neither team really wants this as the players are vastly different and because of this they serve an critical purpose on their teams respective defensive or offensive schemes, and neither player can compensate for their deficiencies or the others skill set. Basically if they played on the same team you'd have the best front court in the league. They would be perfect for each other, a ying and a motherfucking yang bitches!

(According to the ESPN trade machine the Lakers would win 7 more games and the Magic would lose 7 more games if this trade were to go through).

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom gain custody of Carlos Boozer


The Lakers' two power forwards have, for the past two years, been in the process of adopting young Utah resident Carlos Boozer. The paperwork finally came through yesterday and now they officially own Boozer.
"I mean, we've pretty much owned him for a long time now. This was just about making it official." A gleeful Lamar Odom said as he cradled young Boozer in his arms. This was important for the duo because now the whole world knows that he is their property and nobody else's. "It has been common knowledge that he is ours. But the fact that we can no take him out to the park and take him to school in our neighborhood is very important." Gasol said when approached after the Lakers' won their last game against the Utah Jazz. "He's just so small and cute, you just want to play with him all day," the Spanish 7-footer added.
Lamar Odom is newly married to Khloe Kardashian, a woman famous for her last name and nothing that she's done in her life. She is apparently supportive and feels that this is something that's been going on before she met Lamar and she understands what's going on (but not really, actually she's pissed).

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Dreams of Sugar Eating.

Dreams are something. They provide a stream of non-challenged thoughts. That's my take on dreams (especially the "dreams are something" parts, that's the sort of analysis I'm shocked I don't get paid for). Last night I dreamed the classic "a part of my tooth broke of" thing and the slightly less classic "a fat girl eats a bowl of sugar at a party" bit. The latter thing was extremely odd, even during the dream. Especially since she placed the bowl of sugar on a radiator ledge (there was a piece of wood on top of a radiator making a makeshift shelf). Why would anybody do that? Why would I think of this at any point? Has anybody had a similar dream? I don't know, I don't know and probably would be my hypothetical answers to those rhetorical questions.

There is a connection between these two dreams (they were separate but I had them the same night). Sugar makes your teeth rot.

There are those who believe that dreams are some sort of mirror of the soul. However impossible it is to a) define dreams and b) define "soul." Unless they mean that dreams are a mirror of soul music for some reason, that might make more sense than the literal translation of the cliched phrase - mirror of the soul. Curtis Mayfield might agree. If dreams are said mirror then my soul is apparently very concerned with my dental hygiene and wishes more fat chicks would eat bowls of sugar on radiator shelves. Let's be honest, who doesn't?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Dormant Lakers Rise From Acid Induced Slumber

Phil Jackson's memory of this photo shoot is spotty at best

"What, we were playing?" A slightly dazed Pau Gasol said to journalists as he rubbed his eyes, "how did we do? I hope we're not down in the series." This was before game 5 of the Lakers' first round series with Oklahoma City. The Lakers won Game 5 by 24 points.
Phil Jackson coached the game in his pajamas, he explained the reasons for the Lakers less than impressive first four games. "We did some non-prescription medication at my behest. It may have had an effect on our sleeping patterns. But we did win the first 2 games so that's a plus." When he was informed that Derek Fisher had been guarding upstart point guard Russell Westbrook throughout the series he shook his head and laughed, "Fisher couldn't guard me at this point, let alone someone as explosive as Westbrook. Man, that was some solid acid we did."
"I dreamt of flying fish and someone inhaling paint." Backup point guard Jordan Farmar said of his coma.
Kobe Bryant was the only player not to consume the acid prescribed by coach Jackson, this explains his sour mood these past days. "I fucking missed it man. Nobody called me. You guys suck!" He pointed at team mates Andrew Bynum and Lamar Odom before kicking a stool over and storming out of the conference room. Odom stood and yelled, "you never answer your phone anyway," he then looked at Bynum and gave him a low key five.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Spoelstra explains no-foul call on Pierce

"Lame call, brah"

"Dude, I was so wasted." the NBA's youngest coach explained after the Heat went down 3-0 against the Boston Celtics in the first round of the NBA playoffs. Apparently the coach was inebriated at the time and could not focus on the game, "plus there was this chick, Heather, texting me like crazy. Her boobs are huge, bro." The Heat were up by 1 as the Celtics had a chance for one last play. The Heat also had a foul to give, which could have decreased the Celtics' chances of getting a good shot off. However due to Spoelstra's state of mind at the time, he did not think to have his team give the last foul. The game ended with Pierce, one of the NBA's most clutch players, draining a fall away jumper to win the game.
Erik Spoelstra has, however, done great things with a relatively young Miami Heat team that also has some veteran leadership. Jermaine O'neal is the team's starting center, he has had various knee problems and is also rumored to be deceased which has put a dent in his playoff numbers. "Dude is a corpse, no he's literally dead." Spoelstra commented, "we had to excavate his remains one night at the cemetery, me and my boys at the frat house were all like dude, 'this is scary' and (stuff)"
The coach did apologize for his drinking during the game "it's on me bro, kind of like the next round" as the press all lifted up their beers. Incidentally, the post-game press conference was held at a titty bar.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

United players so sick of Ferguson they actually throw up on soccer field.

Ferguson enjoying a quiet stroll at a local Manchester park.

Two Manchester United players, Brazilian one-name wonder Nani and Patrice Evra, threw up on the field during a Barclay's Premier League match with Tottenham.
Sir Alex Ferguson told reporters he has no idea why the players vomited so heftily. "We don't know what has happened, whether it's something they ate or something that's going around" the Premiership's most successful manager said during a post-game press conference.
The players themselves had other ideas. "Dude, Fergie is sooo boring," Nani said with a flick of his head, he proceeded to put his finger in his mouth and pretend to vomit. He then laughed raucously.
Patrice Evra agreed. "Well, he can very mean. He makes fun of our shoes." The diminutive left back said with a lisp. "I mean I totally make myself throw up every day but I had already done it today... so vomit free Sunday tomorrow. YAY!" The associated press proceeded to feel awkward.
Reports also suggest that the two players had engaged in some partying on Friday. Nani went to a strip club while Evra attended an engagement at Honkey Tonk. An eye witness said they both did copious amounts of ecstasy.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

David Thompson is like Avatar.

David Thompson was a basketball player in the late 70's and early 80's. He was very good, very very good. He was a force of nature on the court. Admittedly I never saw him play, as a matter of fact I was not born when he was at his best. I will refer to his statistics to perhaps give you an idea of how good he was. If you are not into basketball you might simply skip the stats as I will also try to explain how good he was using only my words. This sounds totally asinine, given that I never saw the guy play, so really this may be about how good I perceive David Thompson to have been rather than how good he was.
On to the statistics. In his second season in the NBA he averaged 27 points without a three point line. He also averaged 5 assists and 4.5 rebounds. His second season in the NBA was his third season as a professional basketball player as he was drafted into the ABA and played two seasons there with the Denver Nuggets. 27 points is a shitload of points. In comparison to other elite shooting guards in their third professional seasons Michael Jordan averaged 37 points (which is completely ridiculous), Dwayne Wade averaged 27 as well and Kobe Bryant averaged 22.5 (but only 21 years old). The point is David Thompson was in that class of players.

Thompson was also one of the best jumpers to ever play in the league. He was 6-4 and 195 pounds, big for a normal person but fairly diminutive for a shooting guard in the NBA. In comparison both Bryant and Jordan are listed at 6-6 and Wade (who is a beast athletically as well) is listed at 6-4. 6 foot 6 is the height most NBA scouts seem to think is what a generic NBA shooting guard should be.
David Thompson would genuinely jump over people to, not only score, but to get rebounds. If you have seen that scene in the movie GOAT where the soon-to-be-hooked-on-heroin basketball player makes change on top of a backboard then you can imagine David Thompson doing that (I have no reference for this and I have no actual idea whether this is a fact. It simply seems like something that could have happened). Thompson, like a lot of people in the 80's, became addicted to cocaine and his career fizzled out. Now only hardcore NBA fans, people who read Bill Simmons and people who watched the NBA at that time know who he is. I should note that the people who belong to the first and third columns are probably one and the same.

The movie Avatar is like David Thompson. Going to see Avatar in the theaters is an experience. One which I don't think anyone has overrated in the slightest and I think someone almost always overrates everything. This is an experience people who did see Avatar will remember very fondly and probably won't forget. The movie won't have a lasting impact however. Even if home TV's will soon have 3D, only hardcore Avatar fans will really care to watch it. It will fizzle out and be remembered as a "oh yeah, I remember going to that in the theatre" kind of movie. This is also what happened to Titanic (not a very good movie). It's like Avatar will be doing a lot of cocaine in the coming years and soon enough no one will care. It might even get slightly underrated, who knows?
This will be Avatar's fate because the movie, much like Thompson, relies all too heavily on it's physical attributes, so to say. It does not appeal to the mind, nor the heart (even if it tries to do so). The movie's characters are not very complicated and will not carry with them any sort of emotional appeal through time. None of James Cameron's characters do this as even Titanic is essentially a story is about endless puppy love (love which through time would not have been as strong had Jack lived). Imagine if your first boyfriend or girlfriend, which you lost your virginity with, would have died. The idea of the person becomes much more than the person itself ever was. Avatar's characters are, sadly, quite 2 dimensional.
The point is not that Avatar will diminish as a film, it's that everything else will get better. Therefore Avatar will be extinct sooner than we might think.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Report: Tebow scores low on internet IQ test.

While former Florida quarterback impressed evaluators with his on-field performances at the NFL combine last month, he only scored an 87 on an Internet IQ test he took on Facebook.

The IQ test consists of subtests measuring various qualities, such as factual knowledge, math short-term memory and abstract reasoning, visual-spatial abilities, and common sense.

Tebow was named a "word warrior" on his test, meaning he scored especially low on the math section and common sense subtests.

The score of 87 is archaically described as "dull normal." This can obviously be moved right over to Tim Tebow who's a devout christian and the carbon copy of the All-American.

These results actually say nothing about Tim Tebow's abilities as a football player and mean absolutely nothing. A little bit like most non-physical tests in the NFL combine.

All information about IQ tests are taken from:

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

David Stern jokingly names Tracy McGrady as All-Star replacement for Kobe Bryant.

David Stern held a mock press conference to name Tracy McGrady as a reserve for the potentially sidelined Kobe Bryant.
Kobe Bryant has not taken part in the last two games for the L.A Lakers. The former MVP is ravaged with injuries, his back has been stiff, he injured a finger a few months ago and just recently he rolled his ankle. There has been speculation that he might not participate in the All-Star game even though he was voted in by the fans.
Tracy McGrady has played in 6 games this season. He has spent the majority of the season sidelined due to a surgery that took place this off-season. He then played those 6 games in a limited role and was benched indefinitely after he complained of a lack of minutes.
Stern held the press conference with McGrady present. All parties, except for McGrady, knew that it was joke. Stern took his place in front of the press with a shit eating grin on his face, just barely holding in his laughter, "Kobe Bryant has chosen to withdraw from this year's all-star festivities." A member of the press almost broke out in laughter as Stern tried to get through the lie, "seriously dude, seriously... oh God." McGrady looked a bit perplexed but not too bothered by the charade.
Stern went on, "and I have named Tracy McGrady as a replacement." Tracy stepped up to the podium and acted as if he was about to say something, Stern then swiped the microphone away from him and yelled: "psyche!" The press exploded in raucous laughter and Stern keeled over with streams of tears rolling down his cheeks. McGrady just stood there and muttered, "dudes, what the fuck?"

Friday, January 29, 2010

Breaking news: having actual All-Star caliber players with Lebron James will get Cavaliers second player on All-Star team.

Picture is from ymswwc.com

The Cleveland Cavaliers did not get a second player on the All-Star team this year despite having the best record in the league. They have one win more than the L.A Lakers who have two players in the contest: top 25 player of All-Time Kobe Bryant and legitimate All-Star Pau Gasol.
Mike Brown said that he did know what it would take for the Cavaliers to get a second player on the All-Star team, after all they have the best record in the league.
David Stern put out a statement on the matter, "the Cleveland Cavaliers will get a second player on the All-Star team when they get a second All-Star." That was it.
Enciphering Mr. Stern's statement it seems that he does not believe that Mo Williams, the Cavaliers second leading scorer at 17 points per game, is an actual All-Star.
Last season Williams was a part of the All-Star game when the Cavaliers were far ahead of the rest of the NBA as far win totals went. He was the second substitute selected into last season's game. Jameer Nelson was firstly replaced with Ray Allen and then Chris Bosh was replaced with the aforementioned Williams.
Cleveland fans will feel snubbed by only having Lebron James in this years festivities but as one of David Stern's personal assistants said to reporters after Mr. Stern's statement had been issued: "maybe the Cavaliers should try and get a second All-Star before they cry about not having two players in the All-Star game. Wussies."

Monday, January 25, 2010

Superbowl 45 is a unique spectacle.

Both teams are undefeated. One will remain so, the other will succumb to 18-1. That 18-1 is previously the best record ever in the NFL and playoffs. That is if you don't count that Dolphins team that uncorks some champagne every year. Let's just go ahead and do that.
This will be a different 18-1 than what the Patriots felt. This time the other team will go 19-0. Those Dolphins can take that cork and shove up it up their... you get the picture.
If you lose to a team that's undefeated you'll feel bad. It won't make that sting you feel once that horn sounds any less painful. But once you get things into perspective it won't be the worst loss you'll have felt. It won't be a choke job. You simply lost to the best team. The best team of all time.
... Oh wait, both teams lost games down the stretch in the regular season. The Colts rested Peyton Manning, they made a conscious decision to lose. The Saints decided to not be good anymore. My bad, discount all the whole post.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Shaq calls out superstars who have lost their hops for Dunk Contest.

Cleveland Cavaliers center Shaquille O'neal has suggested that his teammate Lebron James should enter into a dunk competition with Kobe Bryant and Vince Carter, with the proceeds going to Haiti.
Kobe Bryant is battling injuries to his right index finger and back, Vince Carter has been battling ankle and shoulder injuries this season. Both players are in their 30's.
Other outlets have suggested that Michael Jordan and Dominique Wilkins should also enter this competition. Maybe Dr.J and David Thompson should come out too. Spud Webb should only be about 40-something now.
Bryant has changed his game completely this season to accommodate his waning athleticism, now relying primarily on post moves and mid-range jumpers as apposed to mid-are aerobatics.
According to most sources Vince Carter just sucks now.

(picture taken approximately 18 years ago when Vince Carter still attacked the basket)

Saturday, January 16, 2010

New FA Ruling: Alex Ferguson can do and say whatever he wants

The Football Association has made a new ruling as they explained in a recent statement.
"Sir Alex Ferguson can now say and do whatever he wants about anything containing to the FA, its referees or estranged infants for that matter."
Ferguson has been very vocal about referees this season, he complained that Alan Wiley was out of shape and also said that Mark Clattenburg was "weird and wonderful" and that his added on time of 5 mintues in Manchester United's loss against Leeds was "an insult to the game." He was of course not reprimanded for the latter comments.
In response to the FA's statement Ferguson held a press conference where he peed on Liverpool's flag, hit on a 15 year old boy and systematically made lewd comments about all wives of referees in England.

The FA later applauded this.

In other news, Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez has developed an addiction to heroin.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Tiger Woods loses sex privileges with wife.

Elin Nordgren has cut Tiger Woods off.

Following the news of GM not allowing Woods to get cars from them for free, his wife has made a statement saying she will not give him sex anymore for free.
USA today reveals that Elin has ended her arrangement with Woods in which they sex from time to time. Elin Nordgren's spokeswoman told the Newspaper that their arrangement expired on December 8, around the time she found out he was a cheating bastard.

Woods endorsed Nordgren until 2009 but he had hoped to have a little bit of make-up sex at some point after their contract ended. This hope has now been crushed completely.

USA Today also reports that the relationship has ended and will not be repaired. News of it will be sold gratuitously to the public ad infinitum.

source: http://www.sportingnews.com/golf/article/2010-01-13/tiger-woods-losing-driving-privileges-gm

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

McGwire, unselfishly, did steroids for the children.

Mark McGwire, baseball hero and home-run hitter did not do steroids to get home-runs. He did them for the children.
"Listen, baseball sucks." McGwire said in an emotional interview with AP. "I did baseball and children a favor by obliterating some old dude's record. The children cared for baseball when I played and hit my home-runs. Now nobody uses PED's anymore. Why the shit should I even watch baseball anymore?"
McGwire now works as the St. Louis Cardinals hitting coach. "I don't really coach them as much as I pressure players to take steroids. They don't take 'em though, fucking losers."
McGwire broke Roger Maris' home-run record in 1998 when he hit a total of 70 home runs. It seems as if McGwire seems to not care about anything anymore, he has become a very mean, old man. When thatsalotofballz called him up to comment, he called us "spineless morons and douchebags." Then we cried quietly in the bathroom.
We're alright now.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Satirical sportswriters suffer collective hemorrhage over recent Arenas scandal.

When Gilbert Arenas, star guard of the Washington Wizards, brought 4 guns with him into his locker room as a prank on teammate Javaris Crittenton, all of the world's ironic sportswriters and satirists suffered one, massive, collective hemorrhage. Most of them are fine.
DJ Gallo of Sportspickle.com had to be wheeled out of his office once he received news of the situation. He later commented that, "my brain just wouldn't stop coming up with jokes, then I woke up in the hospital."
The offices of The Onion have been mostly vacant for the past few days as all of its writers, who have any semblance of sports knowledge, are now in intensive care. A secretary in the Onion offices wrote on her blog that the writers just couldn't stop coming up with ironic scenarios. She thought that there was an irony overdrive.
(I'm not entirely sure what irony is but a player of an NBA franchise formerly known as the Washington Bullets coming into the locker room with four guns is surely irony... right?)
Arenas has now been suspended indefinitely by the NBA and it seems as if this has prompted most writers to come out of their comas or whatever else they were suffering from.

Picture: www.examiner.com

Friday, January 1, 2010

Iverson, McGrady and wet dog among leaders in All-Star voting.

In a bizarre twist the three of the top All-Star vote getters aren't worthy of their respective bids.
Philadelphia 76ers guard Allen Iverson and the Houston Rockets' Tracy McGrady have not done a whole lot to deserve to play in the NBA all-star game. On the other hand a wet dog named Barney is in the running for a roster spot on the east coast team. He has played in 6 games less than McGrady this season.  The wet dog has also been a better influence on all 30 of the NBA's franchises than both McGrady and Iverson who have feuded with their respected coaches over playing time, Iverson when with the Memphis Grizzlies and McGrady who recently demanded more playing time after coming back from massive surgery on his 31 year old legs.
Iverson demanded to be let go from the Grizzlies and it seems as if McGrady will try to swing a trade so he can be let go from the Rockets and inflate his market value as he approaches the end of his gigantic contract.
McGrady leads the great Steve Nash for a guard spot in the west. Nash is an MVP candidate, averaging a double double with 18.4 points and 11.2 assists per game. He also has the upstart Phoenix Suns playing for the second spot in the West.
The wet dog has not been in an NBA locker room. But at the same time he has not made a sound over his playing time whatsoever... not a bark.