Monday, January 20, 2014

Kobe Braynt reveals anti-aging medicine, reverses aging process

Kobe Bryant has successfully reversed his aging, allowing him to play at least another 18 years in the league.

The 35 year old future hall of famer has suffered injuries recently and seemed to finally have succumbed to father time, who has remained undefeated. Just recently the Lakers superstar revealed a new discovery: an anti aging medicine that can reverse his aging.

The medicine was developed in underground facilities in Germany by black elves and their servants who are sentient tree folk.

Bryants body will therefore become 34 next year and the shooting guard will become a Benjamin Button character. Father Time was unavailable for comment but his office left a statement saying that eventually Kobe Bryant will die, even if Father Time will have to drive him over in his Oldsmobile.

Kobe, however, is delighted and reportedly will enter the dunk contest in eight years, once his legs have regained their spring.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Chicago Bulls trade for Andrew Bynum, pulverize his knees into meat for tacos.

The Chicago Bulls have revealed that the orginazation did not trade for Andrew Bynum for cap relief purposes but rather for his bum knees.

The Bulls held a press conference where a spokesperson told the media that they intended to shoot Bynum behind a barn and pulverize his knees into Tacos for Taco fan night, brought to you by Taco Bell. Chicago's astute medical team said that Bynum's knees could not be used for anything else.

Bynum‘s representives could not be reached to comment on the press conference but we all assume that the 7 foot center is scared, running awkwardly in the woods away from farmers with shotguns.

Taco Bell reportedly does not mind as they already use human knees in their Taco meat.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

J.R. Smith goes 8-49. Is revealed to be a malfunctioning robot.

New York Knicks shooting guard J.R. Smith went 8-49 in a loss against the Cleveland Cavaliers on Sunday. The 6 foot 6 swingman shot at every oppurtunity, even when two defenders were draped over him on the half court line with 17 seconds left on the shot clock.

Smith had a staggering 100% usage ratio during his 31 minutes on the court as Mike Woodson frantically texted his owner, James Dolan, for permission to pull the misfiring guard off the floor. His teammates continued to pass him the ball, for some reason, as he lofted a shot up each time he touched the rock.

„If I get the ball I shoot the ball.“ Smith said in a monotone voice during a press conference. He seemed confident in his own reasoning and logic. When a reporter asked him whether he should perhaps pass the ball to a teammate who had a better shooting opportunity the shooting guard simply bellowed, „does not compute“ with his mouth agape and jaw akimbo as smoke rose from his ears and sparks flew out of his nose. A Knicks representative quickly shut the press conference down.

Smith is listed as "Out – Indefinitely. Computing problem."