Monday, November 30, 2009

New Jersey Nets re-sign 59 year old Dr. J.

New jersey Nets GM and newly named head coach, Kiki Vandeweghe, decided to re-sign Julius Erving a.k.a Dr.J. "Hey, he's the best player on the team right now," the GM/ coach said of Erving who has not played professional basketball since the mid 80's. When asked what he thought about Nets star point guard and burgeoning talent, Devin Harris, Vandeweghe told the press to look at Dr. J's resumé. "When you have a chance to sign a Hall of Famer you've gotta do it, right?" Vandeweghe's question was answered with a murmur and some giggles from the press. This is what's called the "Allen Iverson Modus Operandi," i.e it's not about how good you are now, it's what you did in the past that counts.
Apparently Erving is signing a contract of 5 years worth at least 80 million dollars with incentives. Erving, who played for the Nets in the team's ABA days, said that he was still laughing because he hadn't gone to the bank yet. He also said that he was planning on staging a feud between himself and Jay-Z (a shareholder of the Nets) during his next game so that he would be put on the DL as soon as possible. "I'm way too old for this shit." The aging superstar said to conclude the press conference.
In an unrelated story Vandeweghe also seems to plan on playing himself. He once played for the Denver Nuggets and had an NBA career of 13 years.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Rookie point guard spends money wisely, player's association furious.

The NBA's most recent sensation, Brandon Jennings, has been lighting it up on the court. He recently became the youngest player to ever score 50 points in a game when he torched the Golden State Warriors for 55.
(Granted, it was the Golden State Warriors who are the biggest mess I've seen since some gum that got stuck underneath my show the other day.)
Jennings is not just extraordinary when it comes to scoring though, he's actually saving money. This is a term completely foreign to NBA players, for example Antoine Walker (who enjoyed an 11 year career in the NBA and signed a contract in 2001 that was worth 70 million$ for 6 years) was arrested in a Las Vegas for fraud (he bounced a cheque) and subsequently declared bankruptcy.
Jennings on the other hand lives close to the Milwaukee Bucks practice facility and drives a Ford Edge, merely a 27,000$ car. He claims that this is because of legitimate fears of a league lockout in a couple years.
The NBA's player association is furious over the rookie's living habits. In a statement from the player's association they said that, "Jennings is a threat to our lifestyle. Who does he think he is to save money, even when a potential lockout looms? The players in the NBA live one enormous paycheck to another enormous paycheck. We buy Range Rovers and we get all the accessories even if we don't need them. Spinners are the American way and Brandon Jennings is the antithesis of this. Seriously, a Ford Edge? Who does he think he is, Walter Cronkite?"
The last part of this statement, where Jennings is likened to television and journalist legend Walter Cronkite is, to say the least, odd and very confusing as there are hardly any similarities between the two.
When Jennings was reached for comment on the player's association's reaction he was surprised, "I think those guys should seriously consider putting a large sum of money into a savings account, and who's Walter Cronkite?"
I believe that's called a carry in basketball

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Donald Sterling goes on murderous rampage, no-one says anything.

After Donald Sterling, owner of the L.A Clippers, appeared in court where he was told to fork out over 2 million dollars as a settlement for being a douche and a racist, he murdered 18 people and 5 children.
As Sterling calmly walked out of the courthouse, he opened fire on innocent bystanders using a pistol. Most people, or those who didn't get shot rather, just carried on like nothing had happened. They were, like everyone in the world, blind to every bad thing Mr.Sterling does. He then entered his limo and drove off.
No-one in the league has said anything about neither incident as of yet. When NBA commissioner David Stern was reached for comment he shrugged his shoulders and said, "meh, what are you gonna do?" Later that day he fined an NBA player 50.000 $ for not wearing appropriate clothing on the bench and suspended another player for 4 games based on the league's substance abuse policy, the player in question smoked some weed.
Sadly, most NBA players have been too busy either practicing, being full of themselves or not caring about the outside world for these news to reach them.
When Denver Nuggets power forward Kenyon Martin was asked whether he thought the league should suspend and possibly revoke Sterling's rights to own an NBA team he asked, "did he kill Chauncey (Billups, Nuggets point guard) cos' if not I don't give a shit." Martin is scheduled to read for small children at a local pre-school on November 27th as a part of the "NBA cares" program.
As we have found out, using a complicated algorithm with help from UCLA students, the NBA actually doesn't care. More on this in the coming days.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

FA considers buying puppies, then putting them in a sack and throwing them in a river.

The English Football Association are considering to cut charity funding of 50.000 pounds a year for one of soccer's leading mental health charities. Lord Triesam, the FA's chairman, stated that they will not donate money to such unworthy causes, as he twirled his black mustache and petted a white cat. "I say, it is utter nonsense to do such things. My associates and I have decided rather to invest the money elsewhere, yes, quite," Lord Triesam said as he lit an unfiltered cigarette with a 20 pound bill.
When asked what those charities were the Lord was flustered and became quite angry, "charities? never, I say! We will purchase a golden throne for me to sit on, and possibly brollies for the lot of
us." Apparently brollies are umbrellas.
According to a source close to the Lord, he would only be known as a "henchman," the FA has put it's equities to use quite recklessly. They have bought a large number of illegal weapons on the black market. They bought a cancer research facility and then turned it into a parking lot and finally Lord Triesam considered buying a dozen puppies, putting them in a sack and throwing them in the river Thames. The last act was the straw that broke the camels back for this henchman, "why would you do that?" he asked. There have been no answers from the FA as of yet.
Examples of puppies.

The photograph of the gentleman holding the sticks of dynamite is an artist's rendering of Lord Triesam.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Liverpool players eat fetuses to stay healthy.

A revolutionary new treatment for sports injuries has been discovered. Actually it's been used for hundreds of years in the darkest jungles of Africa. Just recently have scientists figured out the facts behind its healing powers.
A few players from EPL outfit Liverpool have been sent to a remote facility in Mali, Africa to undergo the treatment. Yossi Benayoun, Albert Riera, Glen Johnson and Fabio Aurelio took well to the treatment and might play in Saturday's game against Manchester City.
Rafa Benitez, Liverpool boss, was impressed, "they do things and it gets players fresh. We like it." There are some ethical questions regarding the procedure but Benitez would not hear of it, "maybe it is not good but maybe it is. It is not for me to say. It gets players back on the pitch." Benitez would not elaborate on the actual procedure.
According to sources the procedure involves live fetuses. It involves an old voodoo ritual that has been performed for many years in this region of Africa. The players must break the fetus in half. One half is used to rub on the injured part while the players must eat the essence of the fetus. There are no confirmed reports as to what that means or what the essence actually is.
Rafa Benitez sees some side effects from the ordeal but is not concerned, "yes they are a little different. They do no look the same. They will play in tomorrow's game. So I am good." The players all project a vacant stare, their hair has turned silvery white and they speak backwards.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Lebron, man genius

"If I put all my time and commitment into it, if I dedicated myself to accounting, I could be really good," the Cleveland Cavaliers forward said as he sat in the Cleveland locker room, swamped by reporters.
When asked whether he would have skipped college and went straight to the pro's for accounting as well Lebron James had no doubts, "you know it baby. I'm a mathematical wonder kid. I'm the best in the world at math." One female reporter subsequently asked him what the square root of 361 was. Lebron answered her quickly, "19, bitch. Quit testing me, I'm a mathematical genius."
It seems as if Lebron is the best at everything he tries his hand at. Before last night's games against the Golden State Warriors Lebron took part in a debate about home mortgages in Cleveland, he won handily. The man genius also claims to be working on a cure for cancer. "Yeah, me and some dudes over at Entremed have some stuff made up. I think I'll distribute it for free, I have enough money as it is already."
James was seen shaking hands with former Beatle Paul McCartney after the game against Golden State. "We're working on an album. He says it's better than Sgt. Peppers."

Monday, November 16, 2009

Bill Belichick runs red light, thought it was his best chance of getting home.

In full traffic, New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick tried to run a red light in front of a squadron of police officers, amassing a 9 car pile-up When asked to explain his behavior Belichick said he thought it was his best chance of getting home. He was driving at about a 100 and even though traffic was coming in pretty fast from both sides he thought it was his best option.
"I mean, how would I know whether the traffic light wouldn't break or something? I can't count on the traffic lights. And besides, I'm Bill Belichick fuck you." These were the only remarks the Patriots head coach had for reporters as he marched out of the police station in the morning.
Boston Police had him stay in the drunk tank. "I've never met a more arrogant man who wasn't drunk, and neither had anyone else at the station. We decided that he had to be drunk," one of the policemen remarked.
Belichick had just lost to the Indianapolis Colts on a dubious decision of going for it on a 4th and 2. When asked to comment on that he had only one thing to say "I'm Bill Belichick, fuck you."

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Elton Brand Murdered

Philadelphia 76ers power forward Elton Brand was found dead under suspicious circumstances in his hotel room after last night's game against the Chicago Bulls. Police remain dumbfounded by the event as it seems that the forward was stabbed approximately 1 million and 8 times. That's about as many as the people who drafted him on their Fantasy Team rosters.
Elton Brand has shit the bed in a fantastic manner in Fantasy, and regular, terms this season. Much was expected of the 30 year old forward but he's averaged only 10 points and 5 rebounds so far this season, single handedly killing his fantasy value and his respected teams.
Some have already come up with a theory based around the Agatha Christie novel, Murder on the Orient Express, wherein a group of people who all have a bone to pick with the victim decide to all stab him once each. The conspiracy theory then says that all of Elton Brand's fantasy owners convened in one location and then collectively stabbed him.
As an Elton Brand owner I can say that this did not happen. I have a steadfast alibi; I was with my mother, sleeping. I wasn't sleeping with my mother though, I was just sleeping and my mom was in the house. Don't look at me like that, I don't anything.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

West Speaks in Tongues

There was an odd occurrence at a recent interview with Delonte West, in a TV studio, following the Cleveland Cavaliers game with the Orlando Magic. It seemed as if the Cavs guard, who has had numerous off the court issues recently, spoke in tongues and riddles with the interviewer.
The six-foot-four shooting guard responded enigmatically to all questions. When asked why he missed the team's flight to Orlando he answered matter-of-factly: "behind the dogs you must find the silver dragon, brotha."
The interviewer was clearly puzzled but pressed on with the interview asking West whether he had given himself some sort of penance because of his recent misdemeanors off the court. West was not fazed but responded: "The square root of the unseen is obvious to those who have been cleared, yo."

At this point the interview seemed to break down completely as a man dressed as a pirate, complete with a peg leg, an eye patch and a long silver beard busted into the studio. The man introduced himself as long John Silver and quizzed the Cavs guard, "yarr, where be the treasure of the Sierra Madre?" Delonte West seemed slightly annoyed but still gave his response, "After two thousand steps and two thousand years you will find the core of the apple, mothafucka." The pirate exclaimed, "yarr, there she be matey's. Finally the gold be mine!" and charged back out of the studio, knocking one of the producers over.
At this point the interviewer looked around and mouthed, "what the fuck?" to his camera man.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Bizarro Fantasy Basketball League

Fantasy basketball has become immensely popular in recent years. ESPN is a big factor in this, making things like fantasy drafts and leagues more accessible to the average guy (or girl for that matter). They've even come up with an auction draft where you can bid a certain amount of dollars for players, it sounds fantastic.
Well, I've come up with a new fantasy league, The Bizarro Fantasy League. I've set it up based on the NBA. Instead of counting the positive aspects players have on the game, it only counts the negative influences they have on games and the community at large. I've come up with a few categories:

Technical Fouls.
Unsportsmanlike Fouls.
Illegitemate Children (graded on a scale, each child is worth 50 points).
Missed practices.
Times put on the DL without having an injury (an Allen Iverson specialty).
Times dunked on/ posterized (a suggestion. This makes slow big men, like Yao, Darko and Jermaine O'neal, a huge commodity)
Times sued. (each time sued on the season would be 100 points)
Appearances on reality TV (a suggestion. Bonus points if they might be drunk or using substances).
Domestic Dispute (a suggestion. I'd say something like attacking a significant other is worth around 150 points).
Intangible craziness (like when Ron Artest applied for a job at a Radio Shack in Chicago so he could get the employee discount, this would have to be worth at least 200 points.)

These are the 7 categories. Instead of setting up a head to head league, I'd like to set up a regular league like the EPL for example. So after every game each team is awarded a set number of points and if a player is, for example, sued his team gets awarded a 100 points.
It would be tough to have a head to head match up when suddenly Rasheed Wallace slaps up a couple technicals, gets ejected, then screams at an infant and gets sued the next day. The match-up is over, unless you have Ricky Davis on your team and he decides to go on a road trip to Mexico and kills a hooker. Actually, on second thought maybe it would be exciting to have head to head match-ups.
I think this would be a hit even though I doubt ESPN could run with it, given their affiliation with the League.
If anyone can think of different categories please comment on the post.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Beckham quotes Voltaire, hell freezes over.

The entire press body was shocked beyond belief when David Beckham answered a question by quoting the french writer and philosopher Francois-Marie Arouet, also known as Voltaire.
When Beckham was asked whether he thought his team, L.A Galaxy, had a chance to beat out the Houston Dynamo and proceed to the MLS finals, the winger's eyes glazed over, each pointed in a different direction, and he answered in a deep voice not entirely his, "perfection is attained by slow degrees; it requires the hand of time." Most of the reporters immediately recognized the quote as Voltaire's and were utterly shocked.
An eerie silence crept over the press conference as no man believed or wanted to believe what just had happened. One heavy set journalist lost his mind, clattered out of his chair and asked his fellows to pinch him. "This is a dream, it's all a dream!" he exclaimed time and time again before charging through a window and falling to his death several stories below.
In other news Fox's on the scene weather man in Hell reported that a sudden cold had descended and quenched all flames. He told a daytime anchorman through a video connection that the temperature had dropped below 32 degrees Fahrenheit for the first time in history. We must all hope that this does not mean the end of time.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Press hurt after Oveckin's betrayal.

The Washington Capitals star player Alex Ovechkin is crazy, that much is certain. He was quoted on saying that he would be out for about month with a shoulder injury. He was lying, he was seen skating around with the team just yesterday and he'll miss games for around a week.
Members of the press are hurt and a spokesperson was quoted as saying, "we just don't know what to believe anymore." Several reporters were seen buying tubs of ice cream and renting romantic comedies, while listening to Elliott Smith songs, in the light of Ovechkin's lies and betrayals.
I think I speak for most of us when I say that we don't care what you do, Ovechkin, we just want you to tell us the truth.
The left winger's agent appeared in front of the media to apologize on his client's behalf. He said that it wasn't about us (the press) but them (him and his client). No one at the meeting accepted this apology and reporters collectively stormed out, most of them sobbing, some exclaiming insults like "JERK!" "LOSER!" and "DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Pictured from left to right: some dude, a jerk with a jerk face.

Allen Iverson reveals real reason for joining Grizzlies.

Allen Iverson seemed very pleased to have joined the Grizzlies this summer, however no one understood his decision making process. Most members of the press assumed he would have to take up a diminished role, possibly as a bench player. But Iverson is a stubborn, disillusioned headcase. Then we all assumed that he had grown up a bit and realized that he could do some good coming of the bench behind Mike Conley and O.J. Mayo. It, however, is common knowledge that to assume is to make an ass out of you and me.
Iverson has bemoaned his role on the bench inciting questions of why he joined the Grizzlies. At a recent press conference Iverson revealed that he joined them based on a dream. Apparently the 6 foot guard dreamed of an elephant drowning a duck and a cat screaming at a Mary Abbot painting. He dreamed that the night before he signed the deal with the Memphis organization.

The painting Iverson dreamed a cat screamed at.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Bryant sold soul to Devil for NBA championship, career longevity. (source)

Kobe Bryant visiting the fiery pits of hell

A source close to Satan's camp has revealed that Kobe Bryant sold his soul to the Devil in 2006. The deal, where the Dark Lord would get the option on Mr. Bryant's soul in 2056 in exchange for an NBA championship and cash considerations, involved a buyout clause in the summer of 2048 in case Kobe Bryant would be saved or if the world would end in a fiery apocalypse.
This also sheds light on the Pau Gasol trade. In a recent interview Mitch Kupchack said that he got a call from an unknown third party about a possible steal for Gasol and he simply could not refuse the offer. He also said that he signed the deal with a pen made out of fire.

The Dark Lord (artist impression)

Chris Wallace, Memphis Grizzlies GM, will probably be delighted that this story has finally been broken as he obviously could not do a whole lot to prevent the Lakers acquisition of Pau Gasol, not with Beelzebub involved in the trade. Apparently Wallace has since moved his office to the Sacred Heart catholic church and has been unavailable for comment.
We can also assume that Bryant's astounding knee longevity can, to some degree, be attributed to this deal with the Devil. Bryant has played in about 1100 games and is still going strong, averaging about 35 points per game this season with the Lakers.

Friday, November 6, 2009

The NBA's Villains.

The Boston Celtics have recently become the NBA's villains. They win too much, they're really good and they're really intense. I think they could become much better villains and I have an 8 step plan to make it happen.

1. Hire Don King as the guy who handles the media.

2. Make Doc Rivers wear a Darth Vader outfit on sidelines.

3. Offer Stephon Marbury a contract. (Oh, my bad. They already did that last year.)

4. Feed Kevin Garnett a bucket of cocaine before every game. Then feed him a bucket of puppies during timeouts.

5. Have Paul Pierce say he's the best player in the NBA more often. Then have him say it like he believes it.

6. Frame Ray Allen for murder. He's the goody two-shoes on the team, they have to hoodalise him.

7. Have Rajon Rondo push Tex Winter down a flight of stairs, then have him say "if he dies, he dies" in a press interview as Tex is fighting for his life in a respirator. (Notice how I seamlessly alluded to two Rocky movies at once.)

8. Make all their players wear white suits as they come out and inspect the court for a big game. It worked well for Liverpool in the 90's.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Research says baseball is the 2nd most boring sport.

A new study of the most entertaining sports by the Committee of Invalid Research, which is headed up by Dick Burger, has come up with some staggering facts about which sports are the most boring.
To no one's surprise cricket is number 1. In 2nd place though, we find baseball, sometimes called America's past time, sometimes called "what is this?" by Europeans. We decided to call Mr. Burger up and have him explain the results to us.

What Google came up with when i searched for "dick burger."

Balls: What were the most important findings you came up with?

Dick Burger: Well, apparently people like it when stuff happens in sports. In baseball, some stuff happens some of the time but there's not too much going on for a long time.

Balls: So it has something to do with the length of the games.

Dick Burger: Baseball games are so long I once went to the bathroom twice during one game.

Balls: That's actually not that bad, I once peed for--

Dick Burger: I was taking shits.

Balls: Right.

Dick: Most baseball games are like that movie The Piano.

Balls: Cinematic masterpieces?

Dick: No, boring pieces of shit where nothing happens.

Balls: What about cricket?

Dick: Cricket's just a game made up so that rich white people can watch something while they get drunk.

Balls: I thought that was all sports.

Dick: All sports don't have games that last for weeks.

Balls: That's true. One final question.

Dick: Yes.

Balls: Do you like dick burgers.

Dick: That's not cool, dude.

Fan yells, "you suck!" Phil Brown searches for comeback.

After last weekend's 2-0 defeat against Burnley a fan yelled at Phil Brown from the stands. The fan in question screamed, "you suck!" as the Hull City manager walked off the field. Mr. Brown stopped for a minute as he heard the insult but was unable to find a comeback.
During a post game press conference Brown tried a few variations on a comeback. "No, you suck... sucker" and "takes one to know one" only left members of the press befuddled and angry.
In an unrelated story, when a reporter asked Brown if he knew where Burnley was Phil conferred with an assistant and said, "England." He looked smug.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

An intervention for Shaquille O’neal.

The Cleveland Cavaliers, under the tutelage of Mike Brown, staged an intervention for their starting center Shaquille O’Neal. These past few weeks O’neal looks to have gained several (hundred) pounds. Apparently a line was crossed when he hid a tuna sub in his underwear and took a bite when guarding Zydrunas Ilgauskas in a pick and roll situation with Boobie Gibson. During the intervention Shaq confessed that the main reason he joined the Cavs was that the fat on the back of Coach Brown’s neck looked mighty delicious. This caused Delonte West to buy another shotgun in a guitar case. “It worked for Antonio Banderas in Desperado,” West commented.

If Shaq can’t lose some weight he’ll probably have to wear a Caveliers overalls instead of the regular uniform. This would surely be the biggest insult Shaq has endured in his esteemed career since Lawrence Funderburke guarded him in the 2003 playoffs. In an unrelated story Funderburke has been voted the “2nd most awesome last name in the World.” It finished slightly behind Thunderfuck.

Bobcats - Nets, match-up for the ages.

Two of the NBA's most exciting teams met in a barnburner last night. The Charlotte Bobcats beat the New Jersey Nets and the score at halftime was 79-68. No, wait, that's how the game ended, my bad. These are two of the NBA's most prestigious franchises. In fact, the Bobcats are the only team the Nets have a winning record against.

Such players as Jason Kidd and Zombie Vince Carter have played for the Nets. The Bobcats roster has contained well known names like Stephen and Raymond. I thought for a minute while watching the game that the Bobcats had put a shirt on one of the commercial blimps often found in the rafters of arenas, but that turned out to be Boris Diaw. It should also be noted that Chris Douglas-Roberts plays for the Nets but he's the illegitimate love child of actors Michael Douglas and Eric Roberts.

Chris Douglas-Roberts. Not pictured: fathers Micheal and Eric.

As the teams staged a furious shootout with percentages unheard of in the NBA -the Nets shot a blistering 37% from the field and 3-10 from deep while the Bobcats kept pace with 32% from the field and an amazing 3 point percentage of 7- team coaches Lawrence Frank and Larry Brown respectively hung themselves.
Fans are sure to hope that these sort of games will continue to be scheduled and the host of empty seats in the Bobcats arena are sure to fill up once news of this classic match-up gets around.