Saturday, November 21, 2009

Liverpool players eat fetuses to stay healthy.

A revolutionary new treatment for sports injuries has been discovered. Actually it's been used for hundreds of years in the darkest jungles of Africa. Just recently have scientists figured out the facts behind its healing powers.
A few players from EPL outfit Liverpool have been sent to a remote facility in Mali, Africa to undergo the treatment. Yossi Benayoun, Albert Riera, Glen Johnson and Fabio Aurelio took well to the treatment and might play in Saturday's game against Manchester City.
Rafa Benitez, Liverpool boss, was impressed, "they do things and it gets players fresh. We like it." There are some ethical questions regarding the procedure but Benitez would not hear of it, "maybe it is not good but maybe it is. It is not for me to say. It gets players back on the pitch." Benitez would not elaborate on the actual procedure.
According to sources the procedure involves live fetuses. It involves an old voodoo ritual that has been performed for many years in this region of Africa. The players must break the fetus in half. One half is used to rub on the injured part while the players must eat the essence of the fetus. There are no confirmed reports as to what that means or what the essence actually is.
Rafa Benitez sees some side effects from the ordeal but is not concerned, "yes they are a little different. They do no look the same. They will play in tomorrow's game. So I am good." The players all project a vacant stare, their hair has turned silvery white and they speak backwards.