Saturday, November 14, 2009

Elton Brand Murdered

Philadelphia 76ers power forward Elton Brand was found dead under suspicious circumstances in his hotel room after last night's game against the Chicago Bulls. Police remain dumbfounded by the event as it seems that the forward was stabbed approximately 1 million and 8 times. That's about as many as the people who drafted him on their Fantasy Team rosters.
Elton Brand has shit the bed in a fantastic manner in Fantasy, and regular, terms this season. Much was expected of the 30 year old forward but he's averaged only 10 points and 5 rebounds so far this season, single handedly killing his fantasy value and his respected teams.
Some have already come up with a theory based around the Agatha Christie novel, Murder on the Orient Express, wherein a group of people who all have a bone to pick with the victim decide to all stab him once each. The conspiracy theory then says that all of Elton Brand's fantasy owners convened in one location and then collectively stabbed him.
As an Elton Brand owner I can say that this did not happen. I have a steadfast alibi; I was with my mother, sleeping. I wasn't sleeping with my mother though, I was just sleeping and my mom was in the house. Don't look at me like that, I don't anything.