Monday, December 28, 2009

Normal person views opinion on Twitter, nobody cares.

Jessica Marie, a 32 year old analyst for an unnamed Milwaukee financial institute, sent out a tweet about her day.  7 of her 46 followers noticed and nobody cared.
In the uncontroversial tweet she said she did not care too much for Avatar and that she had gone to the gym earlier that day.
No-one has, as of yet, made a comment about the tweet and Jessica has not held a press conference.
When asked about the tweet in a brief phone interview she said, "who is this, and what are you talking about?" then she hung up the phone.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

McGrady sidelined due to contradiction

In a post-game interview recently Houston Rockets guard Tracy Mcgrady obviously contradicted himself in a statement he made. The NBA has decided to hand the player a 3 game suspension due to the incident.
"I'm a player, man," McGrady told the Houston Chronicle. "I don't make these decisions. I just abide by whatever they bring to me. That's the plan. I'm not going to argue and fight with them -- just run with it. I felt it was time [to increase the routine of playing seven to eight first-half minutes] McGrady said to ESPN.
In the statement McGrady insinuates that he's merely a player, which is a well known fact as he holds no other position with the NBA or Houston Rockets, however he is also a husband and father but that is not entirely the point. The 6 foot 6 guard goes on to state that because he is not a player he doesn't make decisions in regards to his own playing time, that is the coaches job, this is also a fact - Rick Adelman is the Rockets coach and he decided who plays.
McGrady had played 7 and 8 minutes disrespectfully in his last games and tried to talk Adelman into giving him more minutes. This shows that the guard actually tried to control his playing time and thusly he contradicted himself by making that statement.
The League has recently decided to come down hard on all players who make contradictory statements in the press. NBA commissioner David Stern had this to say on the matter: "We will be handing out enormous fines and large amounts of game suspensions for these infractions. But it is not a big deal and players will not feel the effects of it." Stern was later handed a 2 gazillion dollar fine which was later reduced to a 3 dollar fine when it became apparent that gazillion is not a number.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Cook defends backstabbing Mark Hughes, says they were trying to do that much sooner anyway.

"We have been trying to stab Mark in the back since this summer." Garry Cook, Manchester City's executive chairman, said in a press conference revealing new Man City manager Robert Mancini. "I'm just really sorry it had to drag out like this." Cook added shortly.
City manager Mark Hughes was fired after a thrilling 4-3 win over Sunderland this Sunday. "We won?" Cook asked surprised, "oh, well we kind of had decided that we would lose this game but yeah, that does seem weird doesn't it?" Cook said of firing a manager after winning a game.
The move apparently represents a search for a new manager that has gone since the summer. "Oh, we've talked to everybody and I mean EVERYBODY at one point we even tried to get Rafael Benitez!" The press, Cook and Mancini had a good laugh about that - Mancini can't understand English very well. "I only hear Benitez and I laugh. Not good coach." Mancini said in broken English as he wiped laughter tears off his cheeks.
Robert Mancini ended his illustrious playing career with Leicester City when he played in 5 matches for them in 2001. He also managed an Inter Milan side which seemingly won 19 Serie A titles in a row. "That is not big accomplishment. We had best football players and everybody else suck," Mancini tried to play down his management of Inter Milan. "I mean we had best team by far. I hardly coach them!" He gave a hearty laugh again, but this time Cook did not laugh but looked as if he had realized a fatal mistake. The press conference was ended.
There have been reports of Manchester City now looking for another manager, names such as Graeme Sounness, Paul Ince and my deceased grandfather have been thrown around.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Lebron scores after moving without ball (report)

An amazing and groundbreaking moment in NBA history took place in Cleveland's victory over the Philadelphia 76ers on the 16th of December. Lebron James moved without the ball in set, half-court offense, got a screen while not handling the ball then received a pass and scored. This marks the first time this has ever happened in Lebron's career. "Honestly, I don't know what happened. I kind of blacked out for a couple seconds and I had the ball right by the basket. I was open so I shot it," Lebron said of the play after the game. Coach Mike Brown fainted as he saw the play unfold and was later seen on his knees praying to God. "I thought that would never happen. I had resigned myself to having all of our half court sets end up with Lebron standing 30 feet away from the basket, trying to make something happen with the basketball."
Lebron doesn't think this will change the way the Cavaliers play offense, "I think I'm going to continue just getting the ball as far away from the basket as I am legally allowed to, then proceeding to run past defenders and making plays. I don't like this off the ball stuff."
When asked whether it would make his life as a basketball player easier to just get screens and get into position closer to the basket Lebron said that he doesn't care and that his game is based solely on him getting touches 30 or more feet away from the basket. "That's what I practice and that's what I'll do in games" the superstar said to reporters. Mike Brown consequently developed an addiction to heroin.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Tiger launches new "multiple usage" condom.

Tiger Woods has decided to use his new found notoriety with the ladies to launch a new product. Woods has formerly appeared in ads for such companies as Gillette and GM but now he's decided to launch an entirely new product, with Durex.
Tiger says the condom, aptly named "the Tiger," is a new breed in the condom industry. It can be used multiple times and with multiple partners. As Tiger himself says, "you can have sex with a mistress, go home to your wife and have sex with her too and you never have to take the condom off." Most people would find that horribly disgusting and some even question why you would have sex with your wife while wearing a condom.
This product launch comes right after Tiger decided to take a break from the sport of golf for a while, as he recently took "a leave of absence" from the game. Maybe this condom business is a new direction for the "Michael Jordan of Golf."
"I hope to channel my indiscretions into positives and this line of condoms is a a way to do that," Tiger stated at the launch of the condom. Sources say that other items such as a dildo shaped exactly like the golfers penis, and scented oils that carry his musk will also be released shortly.
When asked what his wife, Elin, thought of the product Tiger said mournfully, "I fully expect her to try and stab me in the heart."

Friday, December 11, 2009

Ocean blamed for woman's drowning.

A young woman drowned off the coast of the Philippines this morning during her morning swim. The woman in question, Jane Doe (her real name, her parents are really fucking funny), took to the beach on the last day of her vacation at a resort in the Philippines. Nobody heard from her again. Police have reason to suspect the ocean.
"Listen, the ocean has been last to see so many people that have disappeared for ages. No, literally ages." The local police chief said in his address to the press. He continued on, "Sir Francis Drake died at sea, we've asked the ocean about that and it always dodges the question. It's time we take this seriously."
When the ocean was reached for comment on these police speculations it said, "what, it's my fault the bitch can't swim?"
Miss. Doe was once an all-American swimmer at the University of Georgia.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Sol Campbell not counting chickens (confirmed)

In a phone interview with ESPN soccernet former England defender Sol Campbell officially confirmed that he is indeed not counting any chickens.
There has obviously been much speculation on Campbell's acts as he has been training with Arsenal and the editorial crew at That's a Lot of Balls presumed that he was counting chickens. Those presumptions have been rebuffed as of now.
The premier league star signed for his old England boss, Sven Göran Erikson at Notts County (which we have confirmed does exist as a football club and is not a tax evasion ploy) this summer but left soon thereafter. There has been much speculation of his next move.
In this same phone interview with ESPN Soccernet he said something about possibly joining Manchester United, the official quote is "bla bla bla I am not counting any chickens, Manchester United, bla bla bla." The chicken part is obviously the most interesting bit in that rhetoric.

(That's a lot of balls would like to congratulate Sir Alex Ferguson and Manchester United fans if Sol Campbell does sign with the team. Now that you have Michael Owen and Sol Campbell you just have to sign somebody from the Leeds team that you hated so much and you'll have a burnout from all of your prime competitors... oh, wait Alan Smith already played for you guys. My bad.)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tim Donaghy: "It's everybody's fault but mine."

"The NBA gave me some information on games so I just did what was natural," former NBA referee Tim Donaghy said in an interview with ESPN. The referee claims that if the NBA hadn't wanted him to do anything they hadn't given him information that allowed him to make winning picks.
Although the NBA gave the same information to other officials who never bet on games Donaghy claims his case is different, "I have a disease, they don't." The disease he refers to is an enormous gambling addiction which led him to bet on games he refereed.
"How is your disease the NBA's fault?" the ESPN interviewer asked the rogue official in the interview, to which Donaghy replied, "why would they give me that stuff if I wasn't supposed to bet on games?" They interviewer replied swiftly, "they were instructions... to make your job easier." At this point Donaghy became flummoxed and reverted to saying the same thing over and over again throughout the rest of the interview process, "There were other guys doing the same thing." The interview ended with Donaghy going: "hey! Look over there, it's a gigantic spider with claws!" and proceeding to barge out of the studio where the interview was held. Meanwhile the crew and the interviewer watched solemnly.
The former referee claims that he does understand that what he did was wrong but it still was everybody's fault but his and that betting on the games was basically the only thing he could do in the situation. This is called diverting blame, kids do it when they break car windows.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

League makes it official: nothing Ron Artest does is surprising anymore.

Following an interview with Sporting News where Ron Artest admitted that he drank before and during games with the Chicago Bulls, the NBA has published a list of players names that can now do anything possible and it would not be surprising. The list has one name on it.
David Stern appeared on an early morning radio show following the list's publication and answered some questions. "We felt it was necessary to make that divide between players who are figuratively crazy and those who are literally crazy palpable," Stern said when asked why the league published this completely unnecessary list. He also said that the committee which put the list together considered putting the things Ron Artest is capable of doing on the list as well. "There just wasn't any space." That list, Stern told the radio hosts on Andy and Andy, contained things like: shooting up with heroin on the bench, bringing a loaded gun onto an NBA court and becoming an astronaut. Apparently none of those things would surprise the league according to its commissioner David Stern.