Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Dormant Lakers Rise From Acid Induced Slumber

Phil Jackson's memory of this photo shoot is spotty at best

"What, we were playing?" A slightly dazed Pau Gasol said to journalists as he rubbed his eyes, "how did we do? I hope we're not down in the series." This was before game 5 of the Lakers' first round series with Oklahoma City. The Lakers won Game 5 by 24 points.
Phil Jackson coached the game in his pajamas, he explained the reasons for the Lakers less than impressive first four games. "We did some non-prescription medication at my behest. It may have had an effect on our sleeping patterns. But we did win the first 2 games so that's a plus." When he was informed that Derek Fisher had been guarding upstart point guard Russell Westbrook throughout the series he shook his head and laughed, "Fisher couldn't guard me at this point, let alone someone as explosive as Westbrook. Man, that was some solid acid we did."
"I dreamt of flying fish and someone inhaling paint." Backup point guard Jordan Farmar said of his coma.
Kobe Bryant was the only player not to consume the acid prescribed by coach Jackson, this explains his sour mood these past days. "I fucking missed it man. Nobody called me. You guys suck!" He pointed at team mates Andrew Bynum and Lamar Odom before kicking a stool over and storming out of the conference room. Odom stood and yelled, "you never answer your phone anyway," he then looked at Bynum and gave him a low key five.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Spoelstra explains no-foul call on Pierce

"Lame call, brah"

"Dude, I was so wasted." the NBA's youngest coach explained after the Heat went down 3-0 against the Boston Celtics in the first round of the NBA playoffs. Apparently the coach was inebriated at the time and could not focus on the game, "plus there was this chick, Heather, texting me like crazy. Her boobs are huge, bro." The Heat were up by 1 as the Celtics had a chance for one last play. The Heat also had a foul to give, which could have decreased the Celtics' chances of getting a good shot off. However due to Spoelstra's state of mind at the time, he did not think to have his team give the last foul. The game ended with Pierce, one of the NBA's most clutch players, draining a fall away jumper to win the game.
Erik Spoelstra has, however, done great things with a relatively young Miami Heat team that also has some veteran leadership. Jermaine O'neal is the team's starting center, he has had various knee problems and is also rumored to be deceased which has put a dent in his playoff numbers. "Dude is a corpse, no he's literally dead." Spoelstra commented, "we had to excavate his remains one night at the cemetery, me and my boys at the frat house were all like dude, 'this is scary' and (stuff)"
The coach did apologize for his drinking during the game "it's on me bro, kind of like the next round" as the press all lifted up their beers. Incidentally, the post-game press conference was held at a titty bar.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

United players so sick of Ferguson they actually throw up on soccer field.

Ferguson enjoying a quiet stroll at a local Manchester park.

Two Manchester United players, Brazilian one-name wonder Nani and Patrice Evra, threw up on the field during a Barclay's Premier League match with Tottenham.
Sir Alex Ferguson told reporters he has no idea why the players vomited so heftily. "We don't know what has happened, whether it's something they ate or something that's going around" the Premiership's most successful manager said during a post-game press conference.
The players themselves had other ideas. "Dude, Fergie is sooo boring," Nani said with a flick of his head, he proceeded to put his finger in his mouth and pretend to vomit. He then laughed raucously.
Patrice Evra agreed. "Well, he can very mean. He makes fun of our shoes." The diminutive left back said with a lisp. "I mean I totally make myself throw up every day but I had already done it today... so vomit free Sunday tomorrow. YAY!" The associated press proceeded to feel awkward.
Reports also suggest that the two players had engaged in some partying on Friday. Nani went to a strip club while Evra attended an engagement at Honkey Tonk. An eye witness said they both did copious amounts of ecstasy.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

David Thompson is like Avatar.

David Thompson was a basketball player in the late 70's and early 80's. He was very good, very very good. He was a force of nature on the court. Admittedly I never saw him play, as a matter of fact I was not born when he was at his best. I will refer to his statistics to perhaps give you an idea of how good he was. If you are not into basketball you might simply skip the stats as I will also try to explain how good he was using only my words. This sounds totally asinine, given that I never saw the guy play, so really this may be about how good I perceive David Thompson to have been rather than how good he was.
On to the statistics. In his second season in the NBA he averaged 27 points without a three point line. He also averaged 5 assists and 4.5 rebounds. His second season in the NBA was his third season as a professional basketball player as he was drafted into the ABA and played two seasons there with the Denver Nuggets. 27 points is a shitload of points. In comparison to other elite shooting guards in their third professional seasons Michael Jordan averaged 37 points (which is completely ridiculous), Dwayne Wade averaged 27 as well and Kobe Bryant averaged 22.5 (but only 21 years old). The point is David Thompson was in that class of players.

Thompson was also one of the best jumpers to ever play in the league. He was 6-4 and 195 pounds, big for a normal person but fairly diminutive for a shooting guard in the NBA. In comparison both Bryant and Jordan are listed at 6-6 and Wade (who is a beast athletically as well) is listed at 6-4. 6 foot 6 is the height most NBA scouts seem to think is what a generic NBA shooting guard should be.
David Thompson would genuinely jump over people to, not only score, but to get rebounds. If you have seen that scene in the movie GOAT where the soon-to-be-hooked-on-heroin basketball player makes change on top of a backboard then you can imagine David Thompson doing that (I have no reference for this and I have no actual idea whether this is a fact. It simply seems like something that could have happened). Thompson, like a lot of people in the 80's, became addicted to cocaine and his career fizzled out. Now only hardcore NBA fans, people who read Bill Simmons and people who watched the NBA at that time know who he is. I should note that the people who belong to the first and third columns are probably one and the same.

The movie Avatar is like David Thompson. Going to see Avatar in the theaters is an experience. One which I don't think anyone has overrated in the slightest and I think someone almost always overrates everything. This is an experience people who did see Avatar will remember very fondly and probably won't forget. The movie won't have a lasting impact however. Even if home TV's will soon have 3D, only hardcore Avatar fans will really care to watch it. It will fizzle out and be remembered as a "oh yeah, I remember going to that in the theatre" kind of movie. This is also what happened to Titanic (not a very good movie). It's like Avatar will be doing a lot of cocaine in the coming years and soon enough no one will care. It might even get slightly underrated, who knows?
This will be Avatar's fate because the movie, much like Thompson, relies all too heavily on it's physical attributes, so to say. It does not appeal to the mind, nor the heart (even if it tries to do so). The movie's characters are not very complicated and will not carry with them any sort of emotional appeal through time. None of James Cameron's characters do this as even Titanic is essentially a story is about endless puppy love (love which through time would not have been as strong had Jack lived). Imagine if your first boyfriend or girlfriend, which you lost your virginity with, would have died. The idea of the person becomes much more than the person itself ever was. Avatar's characters are, sadly, quite 2 dimensional.
The point is not that Avatar will diminish as a film, it's that everything else will get better. Therefore Avatar will be extinct sooner than we might think.