Friday, January 29, 2010

Breaking news: having actual All-Star caliber players with Lebron James will get Cavaliers second player on All-Star team.

Picture is from

The Cleveland Cavaliers did not get a second player on the All-Star team this year despite having the best record in the league. They have one win more than the L.A Lakers who have two players in the contest: top 25 player of All-Time Kobe Bryant and legitimate All-Star Pau Gasol.
Mike Brown said that he did know what it would take for the Cavaliers to get a second player on the All-Star team, after all they have the best record in the league.
David Stern put out a statement on the matter, "the Cleveland Cavaliers will get a second player on the All-Star team when they get a second All-Star." That was it.
Enciphering Mr. Stern's statement it seems that he does not believe that Mo Williams, the Cavaliers second leading scorer at 17 points per game, is an actual All-Star.
Last season Williams was a part of the All-Star game when the Cavaliers were far ahead of the rest of the NBA as far win totals went. He was the second substitute selected into last season's game. Jameer Nelson was firstly replaced with Ray Allen and then Chris Bosh was replaced with the aforementioned Williams.
Cleveland fans will feel snubbed by only having Lebron James in this years festivities but as one of David Stern's personal assistants said to reporters after Mr. Stern's statement had been issued: "maybe the Cavaliers should try and get a second All-Star before they cry about not having two players in the All-Star game. Wussies."

Monday, January 25, 2010

Superbowl 45 is a unique spectacle.

Both teams are undefeated. One will remain so, the other will succumb to 18-1. That 18-1 is previously the best record ever in the NFL and playoffs. That is if you don't count that Dolphins team that uncorks some champagne every year. Let's just go ahead and do that.
This will be a different 18-1 than what the Patriots felt. This time the other team will go 19-0. Those Dolphins can take that cork and shove up it up their... you get the picture.
If you lose to a team that's undefeated you'll feel bad. It won't make that sting you feel once that horn sounds any less painful. But once you get things into perspective it won't be the worst loss you'll have felt. It won't be a choke job. You simply lost to the best team. The best team of all time.
... Oh wait, both teams lost games down the stretch in the regular season. The Colts rested Peyton Manning, they made a conscious decision to lose. The Saints decided to not be good anymore. My bad, discount all the whole post.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Shaq calls out superstars who have lost their hops for Dunk Contest.

Cleveland Cavaliers center Shaquille O'neal has suggested that his teammate Lebron James should enter into a dunk competition with Kobe Bryant and Vince Carter, with the proceeds going to Haiti.
Kobe Bryant is battling injuries to his right index finger and back, Vince Carter has been battling ankle and shoulder injuries this season. Both players are in their 30's.
Other outlets have suggested that Michael Jordan and Dominique Wilkins should also enter this competition. Maybe Dr.J and David Thompson should come out too. Spud Webb should only be about 40-something now.
Bryant has changed his game completely this season to accommodate his waning athleticism, now relying primarily on post moves and mid-range jumpers as apposed to mid-are aerobatics.
According to most sources Vince Carter just sucks now.

(picture taken approximately 18 years ago when Vince Carter still attacked the basket)

Saturday, January 16, 2010

New FA Ruling: Alex Ferguson can do and say whatever he wants

The Football Association has made a new ruling as they explained in a recent statement.
"Sir Alex Ferguson can now say and do whatever he wants about anything containing to the FA, its referees or estranged infants for that matter."
Ferguson has been very vocal about referees this season, he complained that Alan Wiley was out of shape and also said that Mark Clattenburg was "weird and wonderful" and that his added on time of 5 mintues in Manchester United's loss against Leeds was "an insult to the game." He was of course not reprimanded for the latter comments.
In response to the FA's statement Ferguson held a press conference where he peed on Liverpool's flag, hit on a 15 year old boy and systematically made lewd comments about all wives of referees in England.

The FA later applauded this.

In other news, Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez has developed an addiction to heroin.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Tiger Woods loses sex privileges with wife.

Elin Nordgren has cut Tiger Woods off.

Following the news of GM not allowing Woods to get cars from them for free, his wife has made a statement saying she will not give him sex anymore for free.
USA today reveals that Elin has ended her arrangement with Woods in which they sex from time to time. Elin Nordgren's spokeswoman told the Newspaper that their arrangement expired on December 8, around the time she found out he was a cheating bastard.

Woods endorsed Nordgren until 2009 but he had hoped to have a little bit of make-up sex at some point after their contract ended. This hope has now been crushed completely.

USA Today also reports that the relationship has ended and will not be repaired. News of it will be sold gratuitously to the public ad infinitum.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

McGwire, unselfishly, did steroids for the children.

Mark McGwire, baseball hero and home-run hitter did not do steroids to get home-runs. He did them for the children.
"Listen, baseball sucks." McGwire said in an emotional interview with AP. "I did baseball and children a favor by obliterating some old dude's record. The children cared for baseball when I played and hit my home-runs. Now nobody uses PED's anymore. Why the shit should I even watch baseball anymore?"
McGwire now works as the St. Louis Cardinals hitting coach. "I don't really coach them as much as I pressure players to take steroids. They don't take 'em though, fucking losers."
McGwire broke Roger Maris' home-run record in 1998 when he hit a total of 70 home runs. It seems as if McGwire seems to not care about anything anymore, he has become a very mean, old man. When thatsalotofballz called him up to comment, he called us "spineless morons and douchebags." Then we cried quietly in the bathroom.
We're alright now.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Satirical sportswriters suffer collective hemorrhage over recent Arenas scandal.

When Gilbert Arenas, star guard of the Washington Wizards, brought 4 guns with him into his locker room as a prank on teammate Javaris Crittenton, all of the world's ironic sportswriters and satirists suffered one, massive, collective hemorrhage. Most of them are fine.
DJ Gallo of had to be wheeled out of his office once he received news of the situation. He later commented that, "my brain just wouldn't stop coming up with jokes, then I woke up in the hospital."
The offices of The Onion have been mostly vacant for the past few days as all of its writers, who have any semblance of sports knowledge, are now in intensive care. A secretary in the Onion offices wrote on her blog that the writers just couldn't stop coming up with ironic scenarios. She thought that there was an irony overdrive.
(I'm not entirely sure what irony is but a player of an NBA franchise formerly known as the Washington Bullets coming into the locker room with four guns is surely irony... right?)
Arenas has now been suspended indefinitely by the NBA and it seems as if this has prompted most writers to come out of their comas or whatever else they were suffering from.


Friday, January 1, 2010

Iverson, McGrady and wet dog among leaders in All-Star voting.

In a bizarre twist the three of the top All-Star vote getters aren't worthy of their respective bids.
Philadelphia 76ers guard Allen Iverson and the Houston Rockets' Tracy McGrady have not done a whole lot to deserve to play in the NBA all-star game. On the other hand a wet dog named Barney is in the running for a roster spot on the east coast team. He has played in 6 games less than McGrady this season.  The wet dog has also been a better influence on all 30 of the NBA's franchises than both McGrady and Iverson who have feuded with their respected coaches over playing time, Iverson when with the Memphis Grizzlies and McGrady who recently demanded more playing time after coming back from massive surgery on his 31 year old legs.
Iverson demanded to be let go from the Grizzlies and it seems as if McGrady will try to swing a trade so he can be let go from the Rockets and inflate his market value as he approaches the end of his gigantic contract.
McGrady leads the great Steve Nash for a guard spot in the west. Nash is an MVP candidate, averaging a double double with 18.4 points and 11.2 assists per game. He also has the upstart Phoenix Suns playing for the second spot in the West.
The wet dog has not been in an NBA locker room. But at the same time he has not made a sound over his playing time whatsoever... not a bark.