Thursday, January 7, 2010

Satirical sportswriters suffer collective hemorrhage over recent Arenas scandal.

When Gilbert Arenas, star guard of the Washington Wizards, brought 4 guns with him into his locker room as a prank on teammate Javaris Crittenton, all of the world's ironic sportswriters and satirists suffered one, massive, collective hemorrhage. Most of them are fine.
DJ Gallo of had to be wheeled out of his office once he received news of the situation. He later commented that, "my brain just wouldn't stop coming up with jokes, then I woke up in the hospital."
The offices of The Onion have been mostly vacant for the past few days as all of its writers, who have any semblance of sports knowledge, are now in intensive care. A secretary in the Onion offices wrote on her blog that the writers just couldn't stop coming up with ironic scenarios. She thought that there was an irony overdrive.
(I'm not entirely sure what irony is but a player of an NBA franchise formerly known as the Washington Bullets coming into the locker room with four guns is surely irony... right?)
Arenas has now been suspended indefinitely by the NBA and it seems as if this has prompted most writers to come out of their comas or whatever else they were suffering from.